Floyd Landis tested positive for high testosterone levels shortly after he destroyed the field in a climbing stage of the Tour de France, putting his overall championship in jeopardy. The American has vociferously stated he has never knowingly used any performance-enhancing substances. Wait - Wow! - Sportalicious is excited to have used the word "vociferously" for the first time in its history! A tip o' the cap to "Spellcheck" for its assistance. Landis' denial is in keeping with all athletes accused of steroid abuse - they have to a man or woman insisted they've never knowingly used any drugs. They have to stop eating blindfolded and sleeping the sleep of the dead, because somebody's gettin' junk in their systems and messin' with their pee, for God's sake, and it's clearly not them! Lance Armstrong was busy having a Porterhouse steak and a banana split on his way to 250 pounds and could not be reached for comment.

English jockey Paul O'Neill is under investigation for head-butting his horse, City Affair, at Stratford after he balked getting into the starting gate. (The horse, not O'Neill.) He was then whipped through the two mile race to finished fourth. (Again, the horse, not the jockey.) City Affair waited outside the Stratford racecourse with two friends, Adirondack and Pensive Best, hoping to stomp the tar out of him, but he slipped out a side entrance. (The jockey, not the horse.) He then found where he was eating and pooped on his dinner. (Oddly enough, again, the jockey, not the horse.) O'Neill has been contacted by the English national soccer team to find out what header exercises he does that make his neck strong enough to butt a horse. City Affair has gone to Cote d' Azure for two weeks at the Gucci Spa.