Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, also known on Chicago's north side as "Satan Himself," the "The Darkest Prince Of All That Is Forever Evil," and "That F&^*in' D#%$head," touched off an object-tossing melee last weekend by hitting a three-run ninth-inning homer to beat the Cubs, 8-6. Pierzynski, who earlier this year sparked a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams by having the unmitigated audacity to score on a play at home plate, yanked a pitch into the bleachers and within seconds, objects were flying onto the field, including beer bottles, baseballs, programs, cushions, nachos, pizza, pieces of sheet metal, a DeWalt belt sander, three sections of sewer pipe, concrete reinforced rebar, a backhoe, frozen excrement from a jetliner, Steve Bartman's head, and a Hammond B-3 organ with rotating Leslie speaker. The organ was later retrieved by a Doobie Brothers roadie. The Cubs' request to turn themselves into a soccer team was once again denied by the league office.

It was revealed this week that Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin may have been both drinking and masturbating to a DVD playing on a dashboard screen when he plowed his SUV into a parked truck March 30 in Minneapolis. What are you drivin' there Eddie, is that the The Escalaid? The XXXplorer? The Pathgrinder? The 4Skinner? Outside of maybe - I said maybe - Mark Madsen or Paul Mokeski, I can't think of a player in the entire history of the NBA who can't walk out of an arena and get laid! Even a coach with the worst comb over in the universe, Jeff Van Gundy, had to pass at least a dozen NBA groupies who may have fallen for the line, "Let me show you how to run a Box-And-One." Eddie! - use the GPS to get to a whorehouse!