Over this past weekend doctors took the physical measurements of San Francisco Giants' homer-meister Barry Bonds and announced they officially matched the scale measurements of Bonds' bobblehead doll. Much like the doll, Bonds' actual skull is now about twice the size of his torso, and from most photo angles his legs now resemble two golf tees holding up a small hackey sack. Bonds' biceps bulge with over-defined muscles but somehow are still roughly the same size as his eyebrows. In fact, Bonds' actual head seems to be jiggling side-to-side at an increasing rate as well. Bonds does not attribute the similarities to his alleged steroid abuse but rather to simple aging, pointing out that the more time passed the more both John Madden and Liza Minnelli began resembling their bobblehead dolls.

Last week FBI agents searched former Arizona Diamondbacks' pitcher Jason Grimsley's house but found no sign of terrorists. "We could not find Bin Laden anywhere," said an FBI spokesman, "In a closet or under a chair. We could not find Bin Laden behind a door, or under the floor. We could not find Bin Laden in a room or even behind a broom. We could not find Bin Laden ANYwhere!" However, they apparently did find some steroids, because Grimsley immediately asked the ball club for his release, an unusual request that happens only when a ballplayer wins the Megabucks jackpot, has slept with the owner's wife, or has steroids found in his house. Grimsley said he did not want his situation to bring down the whole team. A spokesman for the relieved Diamondbacks said, "We feel we have a very good chance at finishing third in our division and missing the playoffs, and quite frankly this is the type of controversy that could keep us from achieving those goals."