The FBI is investigating charges that thugs hired by the Houston Astros front office kidnapped retired All-Star pitcher Roger Clemens at gunpoint, forced him to accept $22 million dollars, drove him around til he was confused and disoriented, then dropped him off at Astros' headquarters in only his boxer shorts and some Restoration Hardware slippers. It was in this condition that police found him in the Astros front office, slumped over a contract he had just signed and semi-conscious. "No one retires, un-retires, retires once and for all, un-retires again, then retires a third time and comes back," said Rick Brfa, an FBI agent specializing in retirement kidnappings. "It's unheard of, he clearly did it against his will and in a drugged state, and it reeks of conspiracy." Brfa, who voluntarily took the "a" out of his last name at age 23, saying he'd "had it" with being called "Barfa," points to previous cases as clear precedent for foul play in the Clemens case. "Jerry Lewis retired twice, came back, retired a third time, then only came back due to a massive Prednasone addiction," said Barfa, "and who can forget the case of announcer Keith Jackson, who's third un-retirement was rumored to involve some debt owed the Medellin cartel and the fact the network couldn't tolerate Brent Musberger." Brfa said Clemens will be allowed to pitch while undergoing court-appointed hypno-therapy with David Blaine.

New bunker rakes that creat litte ridges and troughs actually won the Memorial Golf Tournament this week, edging out Swede Carl Pettersson and beating every major player who couldn't navigate the sand and who complained bitterly afterward. The bunker rakes could not accept the $1 million-dollar prize due to a PGA bylaw preventing inanimate objects from winning tournaments, with the exception being Davis Love III. The prize went to runnerup Carl Pettersson, who will use the money to pay for a rare operation in France that will remove the extra "t" and "s" from his name. The rakes played near-flawless golf, thwarting shot after shot out of the bunkers merely by creating a ridge-trough wave pattern similar to the frosting on a Ho-Ho. Tour officials felt the only mistake they made was "not telling the golfers ahead of time," about the new sand patterns, according to spokesman Slugger White. Pardon the pun, but let's get the real "diamond in the rough" out of the way here - there's a golf official named "Slugger White?" Oh yes! That's right. He's PGA Commissioner Joe Palooka's right hand man.