Responding to intense international pressure, Germany modified it's original World Cup mascot, "Karl the Spinnin' Fan," so it would look more playful and less like the most hated symbol of all time. "We really thought the beanie and happy eyes was enough," said Karlheinz Heinzenfuhr, "but, I guess not." The Germans have added bermuda shorts, tennis shoes and some sort of picnic basket thingie, and also used an array of pastels to help soften the image. The Germans insist "Karl, the Spinnin' Fan" is made up of two abstract arms and legs churning forward down the Autobahn in an effort to move the fan to a World Cup venue as fast as humanly possible and is not in any way a swastika. But "Karl" merchandise - including iPod cases and antenna balls - is moving incredibly slowly with the exception of a rural area of Bavaria, Liverpool in England, the Palestinian side of Jerusalem and Idaho in the United States. This does not bode well for the country's new tourist slogan, which roughly translated reads, "Germany - What A Gas!"

Cleveland Browns running back Reuben Droughns threw his wife Kellie out the door when she told him she wanted a divorce. Hey Ruben, be careful, that's half her door now! Anger, anger, anger - much like a good smallmouth bass, it's tough to reel in for American men. We'll get pissy over exactly whose complimentary bowl of pretzels that is on the bar sort of in between two stools, let alone an actual emotional moment with a woman. And that's just your average spazz like us - now replace a normal upbringing with a decade or two of insulation all because you can slip off-tackle better than most people and look out - you've got yourself a paint factory fire waiting for a match. Now add in this - many athletes are never really discouraged from raging like Kong on Red Bull because it helps on the field. They don't find out until they're off the field and it's way too late - when the sheriff's shining the 50 thousand-candlepower spotlight in their picture window and the SWAT team's got a smoke grenade down their chimney. Then it sort of hits them - "Is it somehow wrong to toss my wife through the Pella screen?! Can't the guy who took my calculus tests at Oregon cover this up for me?!" No he can't. Hitting women? That's BAD.