Fed up with Barry Bonds inability to break out of a slump, the ghost of Babe Ruth announced he himself will pitch to Bonds this week in hopes of helping the Giant slugger at least blast two more dingers and finally pass him on the home-run list. "Enough already," said Ruth's Ghost, "He's in a slump, his opponents are pitching around him like he's got a vial of nitroglycerin in his bat, I've got so much crap to do, I'm just gonna serve him up some 54 mile-an-hour lob curves and get this over with." Ruth's Ghost, who held the press conference in mid-town Manhattan at the MTV Studios due to a pre-existing contract with Viacom, said he's got afterlife errands stacking up, like going to the liquor store and smuggling in Cuban cigars, and he hasn't been able to get to them because of constant interview requests. "I think that ape testosterone he's been rubbin' on his yum-yum is affectin' his eyes," Ruth's Ghost said, "at least I just binge-drank and screwed whores til my knees buckled under the weight of the cement mixer I fondly called my stomach." Ruth added, "While I got you clowns here, let's end this debate once and for all too - Bonds is nine times the hitter I ever was, okay? Can you all go home and take a bath now? I was hittin' dingers off guys named Lemuel who were 43 years old and farmed in the off-season and had psoriasis, okay? Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with Jean Harlow."

Clearly motivated by the Duke lacrosse team's recent run to the top of the police blotter, the gutty University of Colorado athletic department has dug deep and fought back. It announced this week it is investigating 1) - a sexual harrassment against a former basketball team employee, 2) - the possible failure to report that harassment, and 3) - a bonus additional racial allegation against coach Ricardo Patton. The Buffaloes athletic director Mike Bohn said he could not comment because the investigations are being handled by the school's Office of Discrimination and Harassment. And let's be honest - any school that has its own Office of Descrimination and Harassment clearly has the inside track on the prestigious Allegations Championship! Few details are available on the first two allegations, but the accusation against Patton is that in attempting to motivate his athletes he may have implied that darker-skinned black players were tougher than lighter-skinned black players. Patton says he was discussing a historical point and has nothing to apologize for. This last brouhaha alone should take the wind out of Duke's sails! Any late-year attempt at recruiting violations, drunken assaults or sex-pit-in-basement-of-a-frat-house scandal by the Blue Devils, Florida, Miami or Oklahoma will probably fall short. Buffs got it in the bag, baby!