Wiley Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad swung an eleventh hour deal with Houston Texans general manager Charley Casserly, landing the middle eastern country its first-ever #1 pick in the NFL draft, which they used to select USC's Reggie Bush. "We now have our own Bush!" shouted Ahmadinejad to a throng of over 2.3 million people in the streets of Tehran who always seem to hear him fine despite the fact he uses only a small 1970s Danish sound system. Ahmadinejad said Reggie would be used in all upcoming UN negotiations because he's "personable, and wow, can he run if we need him to just bolt out of there." In exchange for the #1 pick the Texans got three gallons of Uranium 238, the country's top camel wrestler in Parvo Rafsanjani, and the complete collection of "Seinfeld," the Gold edition with all of Larry David's and Jerry's bonus commentary. "Rafsanjani will help immediately at nose tackle," said Casserly, "and black market sales of the uranium will allow us to finally get out of the red. And I know a lotta people will poopoo the 'Seinfeld' DVD box set, but that sucker is through the roof on eBay, so it's quite a savings."

Much sabre rattling in Tehran, Iran, this week, as President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rallied throngs of countrymen to the defense of the national team nickname, the Iran Fightin' Indians. On the heels of its victories over Illinois and North Dakota, The NCAA has been trying to get Iran to switch to either "Spartans" or "Bulldogs," but Ahmadinejad vociferously denounced those nicknames as "hack." All week, throng after throng after throng has chanted anti-NCAA slogans and burned blue windbreakers in protest. The Fightin' Indians have been largely dormant on the international sporting scene for the better part of two decades, but now, with the addition of Reggie Bush, could contend in World Cup soccer, international track and field, and the Mid-East Camel Racing Triple Crown (the Tikrit Derby, the Greekness and the Bahrain Stakes.) Ahmadinejad said his government was gathering information on the exact location of NCAA headquarters, but "...only for energy use."