According to Sportalicious! reporters disguised as baseball whores, former major league standout and current New York Mets announcer Keith Hernandez may not get laid the rest of this month and possibly most of May as well due to his comments last week during a Mets-Padres game in San Diego. Hernandez spotted new-Padre Mike Piazza high-five a woman, Kelly Calabrese, in the San Diego dugout after he hit a home run, causing Hernandez to launch into an on-air riff that didn't subside even when he discovered Calabrese was SUPPOSED to be in the dugout as an official member of the Padres' training staff. Hernandez capped the riff with this sterling gem: "I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout." Despite his hair style, most baseball experts believed the rest of Hernandez had progressed forward from the 1970s, but now hold doubts. Further investigation has revealed that Hernandez drives a Pontiac Fiero, eats Funyons and thinks Whitesnake is "still smokin'." Hernandez will probably weather the storm professionally and get to keep his job, but according to 100 women surveyed, he'll be "applying his own pine tar" for quite some time.

Dutch model May Andersen was arrested after becoming unruly and striking a flight attendant on a plane from the Netherlands to Miami. Apparently no good mascara in the First Class sundries basket, but on to more important things - there's a direct flight between Amsterdam and Miami? Wow, that's like a bullet train between Gommorah and Hell. A pot omelet for breakfast, car-jack a cheese truck to the Dutch airport, whip out a cash pad the size of a Charmin roll at the ticket counter, a quick spongebath in the restroom at 30,000 feet, then a Miami crank smoothie with a Cuban espresso and a blumpkin for lunch. Throw up, let someone take pictures of you in a guitar string thong, back to the airport, zip home with some heroin balloon snacks in the belly, and black out in your own bed that very night while the rest of us pay the gas bill and jerry-rig the toilet float with a paper clip for the 17th time. Who would screw that up by driving a left hook into the temple of an innocent gay coffee host? A blonde model, that's who.