ESPN's new reality show, "Bonds on Bonds," has swept to a seventeenth place tie in its time slot in only its first two weeks on air and threatens to become a runaway hit on the order of whatever the name of that new Julia Louis-Dreyfus sitcom is, or say, HGTV's "Design On A Dime." The show features a behind-the-scenes look at the San Francisco Giants' controversial outfielder Barry Bonds, with Bonds himself as narrator, star, and according to the credit roll, chief grip. The slugger has given ESPN unprecedented access to his entire life, except apparently the room in which he talks about and does the steroids. So far the cameras have picked up no illegal substances or needles, and in fact Bonds, taking no chances, even refuses to needle his friends. The most revealing moments caught thus far - a shot of a compressed-air helmet Bonds stores near his bed that he says was designed by a Swedish firm to "naturally" increase the size of his skull, and a box of Cheez-its, sitting in the kitchen in stark contrast to Bonds' oft-stated loyalty to Cheetos (the air-puffed packing-chip Cheeto, not the deep-fried mini-neanderthal warclub Cheeto.) If Bonds continues to hit at his current pace, he will have more home runs than viewers by July 17th.

PGA pro Rocco Mediate (not related to the verb) took himself out of contention in Sunday's final round of the prestigious Masters golf tournament by scoring a 10 on the par 5 12th hole. Mediate put his second shot, a long fairway wood, into Rae's Creek. He took his drop, and then promptly put his fourth shot, a short wedge, into Rae's Creek. He took another drop, and taking no chances, put his sixth shot 40 feet over the green into a sandtrap. He calmly blasted out of the sand - and back into Rae's Creek. At this point Mediate's sideburns actually burst into flame and burned right off his head, while his caddy was spotted making a telephone call to Michelle Wie. Mediate grabbed a hari-kiri sword from his bag but at the last minute decided on a pitching wedge, which he put near enough to the cup to one-putt. After his round Mediate told reporters he would not let the nightmarish hole affect him. He then shot out three clubhouse televisions with a crossbow, stole an Army Reserve tank and used it to drive to the nearest post office and drop off several freshly-written love letters to Katie Couric.