CBS college basketball analyst Billy Packer was arrested by federal agents on manslaughter charges after this weekend's televised NCAA tournament action. Packer is accused of droning on in a painful manner and boring 17 viewers to death in seven cities. He's also been charged with continually making points in stark contrast to actual action on the court just to conform to his pre-conceived notion of how the tournament should unfold. And he may have blinded several people live in Indianapolis by sitting at the wrong angle and reflecting a 50-candlepower television light into section Double J at Canseco Field House. Even Packer's play-by-play man, Jim Nantz had to be taken to Hoosier Hospital's Center For Midwest Apathy suffering from a form of vertigo. However CBS says this will actually work to Nantz's advantage for this week's Master Golf tournament. Packer is being held at Leavenworth where his droning commentary has already inadvertently quelled one potential riot.

The Bush White House has stopped all efforts in every direction to focus its energy entirely on an independent probe of steroids in baseball. White House spokesman Neil Fone said, "No matter how much partisan pressure we'll get from liberals demanding we put effort into things like non-petroleum energy sources and world war, we will stay focused on getting to the bottom of this baseball steroid thing. Now then, anybody here tried the new Lincoln Zephyr? I hear it drives nice. Very nice." The White House picked the former senator from Maine, George Mitchell, to head the probe, after an exhaustive ten-minute search that involved over three phone calls and waking Dick Cheney from a nap. Rumor has it Mitchell will start by talking to the Jamaican-born physical therapist who handled his recovery from a sprained knee and then reading up on this whole Barry Bonds thing.