In a routine sweep of downtown streets intended to snare northern bums and put them back on freight trains bound for New York City, Asheville, North Carolina police may have inadvertently stumbled upon Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski! Coach K has been missing since LSU knocked off Duke, 62-54 last Thursday to push the Blue Devils out of the NCAA tournament and was rumored to be despondent, lost, destitute and in failing health in stark contrast to the official statement from a Duke spokesman that said Krzyzewski was "just out walking it off." Two Asheville policemen picked up a slight man in a stained Members Only jacket and mismatched flip-flops. when they saw the trademark bent nose and a tee shirt that read, "I Worked Under Bobby Knight And All I Got Was This Crummy T-shirt!" they put two and two together just in time to avoid throwing him into a boxcar full of alfalfa stems. Krzyzewski was taken to Fiddlin' Physicians Medical Center where he was hosed off with warm water, put on a Coca Cola i.v. drip to restore fluids, and sedated by being made to watch reruns of NASCAR races that had been run mostly under a caution flag.

In a mistake that could only be labeled shocking, a one-line memo from Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey simply demanding that "The Commissioner Please Step Down," was inadvertently delivered to NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue instead of Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. The memo was in a lockbox in a bulletproof Cadillac Escalade with Oprah's logo painted in real gold on the side. But the Microsoft-powered GPS system malfunctioned and the Escalade got mired in mid-town Manhattan during rush hour. The former CIA henchman at the wheel had to hand off the lockbox to a Greased Bullet bicycle messenger, who then sped the remaining ten blocks, only to be blasted off his bike at the intersection of 57th and Broadway by an illegal Jamaican jerk chicken cart fleeing a New York City street license monitor. The lockbox was then kicked a half-block by a moody Russian man and promptly brought up to NFL headquarters by a middle management type who thought it would help him lick ass. Instead, Tagliabue read the note inside the lockbox and, fearing for his life from the squadron of assassins often deployed by Oprah, dutifully stepped down.