They said it couldn't be done - yet hard work, shrewd organization from top to bottom allowed CBS Sports to miss broadcasting live virtually every compelling moment throughout the first two rounds of the NCAA college basketball tournament! "I'm just so proud of my guys," said CBS Sports spokesman Len Flenn, "and by guys I mean guys and gals, regardless of sexual preference, according to federal guidelines. This was a team effort." Indeed, while the mini-scoreboard indicated exciting action in the critical final minutes of game after game across the regions, a determined CBS crew kept focus and methodically steered Greg Gumbel to the safer shores of the lone boring game. CBS helped ensure its success by cleverly assigning totally random games to different regions of the country and then insisting it was "your game" - allowing Gumbel to play to his strong suit and utter phrases like, "We'll get you folks in California back to your game - UWM versus Florida - right after this!" The Eye also used halftime studio breaks to find and go to the designated secondary boring game in the country instead of rolling any highlights from the exciting games.They then left nothing to chance by running a 17-to-1 ration of ads-to-game action. Flenn may be promoted to CBS's NASCAR production chief in an attempt to eliminate all those pesky bumps, passes and crashes from the coverage.

The Dallas Cowboys signed tempestuous wideout Terrell Owens to a 3-year, $25-million dollar contract and thus found an ingenious way to satisfy the Players' Union requirement of one Complete Psychotic on every NFL roster. The Cowboys had been allowed to grandfather owner Jerry Jones in to satisfy their Complete Psychotic spot, but that clause ran out this year. Jones did not reveal details of the deal, because he had forgotten them, but rumor has it that in addition to the giant salary, Owens will get an invite to Dick Cheney's next quail hunt and a rare Guest Season pass on the Minnesota Vikings' party boat. Trouble seems to follow Owens wherever he goes, but it does so in a beautiful Cadillac Escalade Pearl Edition with fuel injection and a really hot chick with an incredible booty driving. Owens' agent Drew Rosenhaus was attending his annual meeting with Satan in Hell and was unavailable for comment.