TIGER WINS 7,000TH TOURNEY
Tiger Woods watched from the fairway as his closest competitor, David Toms, bogeyed the 18th hole, and then he himself took a laconic bogey on the hole to win the Ford Championships by one stroke at Florida's Doral Country Club.Jeff Sez: Boy, this is the umpteenth time that someone gets within sniffing distance of Tiger and then fades like Terence Trent D'arby. This is what it must've been like to golf with Al Capone. And excuse me, "The Ford Championships?" When is this crap gonna stop? Answer: it's not, until the villain corporation from HBO's Mr. Show, "GloboChem," sponsors everything. Incidentally, of the three Ford vehicles sitting in the water hazard on 18 - I'm guessing at least two of 'em were dredged up from the bottom.
WORLD BASEBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS FEVER?
Action began this week in the World Baseball Championships, with Japan clobbering China and the Americans tuning up against some major league teams.Jeff Sez: This is the dumbest thing ever. EVER. Shut up everybody and go back to spring training. Us, three Caribbean islands and two tour buses from the Far East does not make a tournament, it makes a John Hughes movie. I hope the organizers take an Enron-sized bath. Really, it would be preferable to take whatever product it is you want me to buy and just jam it down my throat with a pylon driver from the Army Corps of Engineers. That would be preferable to watching any of the "WBC."
JETS KEEP PENNINGTON OUT OF SPITE
The New York Jets and qb Chad Pennington reached an agreement that will keep Pennington with the team by restructuring his deal.Jeff Sez: This ball club has run out of feet to shoot themselves in. I like Pennington but right now his arm couldn't get a garlic clove from the counter to the sauce pan. I'm pretty sure Rue MaClanahan can throw a better deep ball than Chad right now. Why not bring Klecko back to plug the line? Oy.
CASE OF MARCH MADNESS SUSPECTED IN TAINTED MEAT
The NCAA Basketball Tournament is upon us, with some teams already qualifying by winning conference tourneys and others to be named by the selection committee this coming weekend.Jeff Sez: How many of us need to win the office pool just to pay the mortgage? This is the single biggest betting tournament in the history of the galaxy. On the day 'USA Today' prints its brackets, the entire population of our country could be arrested and sent to gambling internment camps in the Utah desert. Now compared to the "World Baseball Championships," THIS is some Must See TV - people screaming at each other over office cubicles, sneaking peeks at streaming video of the Davidson/Bucknell game, cursing themselves for ever taking a school like Northern Iowa with the directions to the school right in the name of the school, watching their child's college fund vaporize like the crew man in Star Trek to whom Kirk says, "You - check the perimeter." Televising this reality would be riveting, and could replace all that halftime Greg Gumbo mumbo jumbo. Just give us the scores, baby, daddy needs a new pair o' shoes!
