ESPN'S 'CELEBRITY OSCAR BETTING POOL' OUTDRAWS ACTUAL OSCARS!
ESPN's hastily assembled counter-programming to Sunday's Oscar telecast, "Celebrity Oscar Betting Pool," proved so popular it scored better in the Nielsen ratings than the Oscar telecast itself. The show was slapped together so quickly there was no shot at decent C-list celebrities, and so the COBP panel included Ansen Williams ("Pottsie" from "Happy Days"), The Redneck from the Dodge Hemi Commercials, Corbin Bernsen, Scary Spice and Bode Miller (who failed to show up, see related story below). Each celeb was given a thousand dollars to bet, and the winner got to keep their winnings and also earn a free spot on "Celebrity Fit Club IV - Trans Fatty Acid Test," to start filming next month. ESPN execs announced this first show was such a phenomenal success it would be filming one of its signature overwraught made-for-TV movies about the show entitled, "Making Mortgage Payments - The True Story Behind The Phenomenon That Is ESPN's Celebrity Oscar Betting Pool, Brought to you by ESPN's Celebrity Oscar Betting Pool II - starring David Faustino and That Chick Who Sang 'I'm Your Bitch, I'm Your Lover'!"
BODE MILLER NOT SURE IF HE'S HOME YET

After posting a goose egg at the Olympics, US alpine skier Bode Miller missed a gate at the Torino International Airport and was disqualified from departure last weekend. Miller then fell on his way to the train station and then unfortunately finished eleventh in a race for only three remaining spots on a livestock truck to Nice, France.

HANGOVER OF THE WEEK: BONDS SWITCH HITS
For some reason unexplained even by shooting steroids directly into the spinal cord, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds dressed up as woman last week to attend a spring training game - a steroid-pumped, giant-headed, moody woman. This marks the most disturbing example of cross-dressing since Patrick Swayze in "To Wong Foo With Love, Julie Newmar." It does however, finally provide explanation for Bonds' cryptic answer to a question at last year's ESPY Awards, when Chris Berman queried, "Is there anything left for you to do in baseball?" and Bonds' answered, "Well... there's one thing." Bonds' stunt unfortunately comes 20 years too late to save the TV show "Bosom Buddies" from cancellation. When informed a personality more famous than he himself had decided to dress up as a woman, actor Martin Lawrence ran into the street naked firing a pistol in the air. Bonds was spotted later giving batting tips to a Judy Garland impersonator.
NFL LABOR TALKS NEARLY BUMP HOT CHICK

The ongoing and cantankerous labor negotiations between the NFL Players' Union and the NFL owners nearly caused a realignment of the Sportalicious website that would have bumped the gratuitous bikini shot off our page. Fortunately, a quick survey revealed that no one gives a crap about the NFL labor negotiations.