In the Olympics' final event Sunday night, world-renowned opera singer Andreas Bocelli caught Ricky Martin and then overtook Avril Levigne to win the Singing Speedskating 1500 meters competition. Bocelli blamed a stumble off the starting line on "being blind," but after one ginger lap around the course with a white cane and a laser beeper thingie, the cute bearded virtuoso tenor had no problem catching Martin on the backstretch of lap two and sliding by Levigne shortly thereafter. Bocelli was very tentative around the corners but made up for it by singing the crap out of this operatic-y pop tune and making an entire piazza of fans weep uncontrollably. Martin never could get any momentum on the ice and sealed his fate with a rendition of something no one could indentify even after Googling several hundred guesses at the title. Martin blamed his weak effort on poor skate sharpening and a natural inability to sing well. After Bocelli blew by her as if she were the blind one, Levigne grabbed silver with a gutty comeback that featured a Canadian medley with acoustic guitar and a stunning 52-second final lap. Bode Miller then bought all three competitors yard-long beers and took them to a hooka bar for some free tokes.

Sad and shocking news from the Olympics - Sportalicious! reporters disguised as arguing Italian caterers have discovered that several spectators over the age of 65 were injured attempting to keep up with the pell-mell action of the Short Track Relay race Saturday, won by several scowling Korean thugs who may have had weapons on them. Three old Italian women suffered whiplash, a fourth snapped a rotator cuff, two Italian retirees sprained hips, and three widows collapsed with what doctors referred to as "guilt-laden drama queenitis." The staff at Ford/Torino Medical Center attempted to dispense neck braces and walking canes but were immediately sucked into a swirling vortex of argument by all nine elderly Italian injury victims, who felt the colors of the braces and canes were "insulting," then decided the doctors were ungrateful for the sacrifices the elderly of Italy had made on their behalf, then wrapped up the brouhaha by stating that there was a world conspiracy against Italy and the doctors "would pay some day, dearly- Basta!"