US speedskater Shani Davis won the Olympic 1000 meter race last weekend by over half a second, a pace so quick he apparently froze his entire face into an expression that was a near-equal mix of boredom and disdain. Davis, the first African-American man to win a Winter Olympic gold medal, was unable to react with any positive human emotion after he had won and in fact stared at NBC's trackside reporter moments after the race with a look that could only be described as "Black Muslim-ish." Davis's mom has accused the U.S. Speedskating Association of various acts of stonewalling during her son's career and indeed, Davis is racing in a sport that's whiter than Paris Hilton's bridal party and has yet to make it as a cultural reference in even one rap or hiphop video (and ironically, it rhymes perfectly with "playah-hatin'..." and yet still, nothing.) But according to some reports Davis hasn't helped matters by being harder to approach than Christopher Walken on Red Bull holding a semi-automatic Glock with the safety off. In a sport that has zero pro back end, you might wanna warm up the smile there, Shani, and at least snag an Eddie Bauer scarf endorsement. And as for the rest of the team - well, he beat you white boys by a half-second, which is like getting spanked 13-2 in curling, so a knuckle-dap or two on the podium might go a long way.

Thanks to the dysfunctional need of aspiring singers to kiss major league ass and America's fascination with sneaking a glimpse of that sicko need, Fox's "American Idol" pummeled NBC's Olympic coverage like a Mormon who wandered into a Saudi barbecue. Another factor may be NBC's approach to the coverage, which leans heavily on figure skating and relegates more heterosexual activities to its CNBC and MSNBC affiliates for their 1am-4am programming blocs. In addition, "Idol" prominently featured two male twin singers that everyone knew were going to get booted off for criminal activities and couldn't wait to see how and when - much like the approach that kept "Columbo" at the top of the TV ratings for most of the last century. But it appears the biggest factor was indeed the desire of the American public - which includes everyone at Sportalicious I might add including my wife - to laugh at people who can't sing well or who fall apart when they don't get the approval of a British twit, a bass player and a Lakers' Girl. Simon Cowell for Olympic figure skating judge - NOW we're getting somewhere, NBC!