MILLER TAKES FIFTH, STILL SMILIN'
American ski sensation Bode Miller placed fifth in the first downhill event at the Torino Olympics then said he skied as well as he could and tipped his hat to the medalists.Jeff Sez: Is fifth so bad? I know we - and let's be honest, Bode - have built him into Jean-Claude Killy with a bong, but fifth-best in the world ain't bad, especially when you're probably fighting the munchies and some vertigo. Hell, I couldn't walk down steps when I got high in college, this kid's fifth in the world at somethin' that looks crazy. You'd better be high flyin' down a mountain like that. Let him get used to the European herb, he'll be fine in the giant slalom.
CHENEY FAILS TO QUALIFY FOR OUTDOORS GAMES
Vice-president Dick Cheney shot and wounded a hunting partner while shooting at quail in west Texas this weekend.
Jeff Sez: Well, he's clearly determined to shoot every one of us before this administration's done. I'm not a hunter, but I've seen quail, and it looks nothing like his 78-year-old buddy. If he's mistaking this dude for quail it's no wonder we haven't found Bin Laden yet. If I were this dude I would dump Cheney as a friend in a heartbeat - "Geez, sorry, you looked like quail to me." Fa. Who needs him?
SOX SKIPPER SKIPS WHITE HOUSE
2005 World Series Champs Chicago White Sox visited the White House Monday, but manager Ozzie Guillen will miss the visit due to a previously scheduled family vacation.
Jeff Sez: After Cheney went off with that hunting rifle, can you blame him? He's Venezualan, knowing the Bush Administration they'd probably mistake him for a landscaper anyway.
BADGERS BEAT BUCKEYES... AT LAMBEAU?
That's right, in front of forty thousand fans the University of Wisconsin hockey team beat Ohio State Saturday 4-2 in the first-ever hockey game played at Green Bay's Lambeau Field.Jeff Sez: Well, now, that's a hardy bunch of fans, to put the snowchains on the barbecue and roll 'er out to Lambeau for a little college hockey. So for all of you down in Santa Fe and Scottsdale - do you see why these people drink now? Do you see that it's often a question of pure physical warmth? Do you also understand that being blasted on cinnamon brandy also helps relax the muscles so that when you take a frozen puck in the temple at 90mph, your body'll roll with it? It's way, way tougher than rooting for anything nearer the Equator.
