Italian President Carlo Ciampi opened the Torino Winter Olympics this past weekend with a short, emphatic speech from a podium in the middle of the opening ceremonies and was apparently so vociferous that a confused French government immediately surrendered to Italy. French president Jacques Chirac said, "Cowering in fear from the fist-pounding speech of an Italian politician is like riding a bike - no matter how long it's been, you never lose the hang of it." In defense of the French, Ciampi's vaguely fascist and somewhat eery "double hand-palms up" gesture at the end of his speech caused doubletakes from the Swiss, Belgians and Moroccans as well, and even 81-year-old U.S. hockey trainer Winky Barth, who fought with General George Patton in World War II, was seen looking up from the back of the American contingent and saying, "Hey, hey, hey, hey HEY, HEY, HEY!! - Enough a dat dere, paisano, don't be gettin' no big ideas!" To avoid causing what would be considered a loss of face in the European Union, the Italians accepted the French surrender, which will be negotiated down to several cases of wine and bonus points for Ferrari in the next Gran Prix of Monaco.

Nine-time national champ Michelle Kwan had to cut short her attempt to win a career-first Olympic gold medal when she re-injured a groin strain in warmups last weekend and withdrew from competition. The 26-year-old sweetheart of American figure skating will be replaced by 17-year-old Emily Hughes, and that, as they say, is all she wrote for Kwan. She would be 30 years old by the time the next Winter Olympics roll around, and that's 85 in human years, so sadly, it's off to the ShakespeareCapades with Scottie Hamilton and maybe a Pond's skin cream endorsement for Kwan. Hell, this may be Hughes last hurrah at 17. The East Germans used to assassinate their skaters on their 18th birthday. So not only does a great champ like Kwan have her heart broken, she has to limp to the airport with a groin pull, which is as embarrassing as if, say, Dick Cheney shot someone in the face while hunting.