Super Bowl halftime was marred once again by a naked breast when paramedics ripped open Mick Jagger's shirt in order to use defibrillator paddles on him. The Rolling Stones' lead singer had been complaining of chest pains for about 21 years now, and dropped to one knee in mid-show when he sprained a wrist attempting to execute his patented "rooster" move. Keith Richards and the guy nobody really knows kept playing because they were somewhat juiced and both have cataracts that virtually eliminate any shot at peripheral vision. Only 81-year-old drummer Charlie Watts saw that Mick was down for real and subsequently threw drum sticks at paramedics until they stopped eating coldcuts from the below-stage buffet and ran out to the singer. In order to get to Mick's chest and jolt his heart they had to rip open what appeared to be an Anne Taylor chiffon tee-shirt. "Again with the sinful breast, it's disgusting!" said Gladys Kravitz of the God Chose Us Not You Coalition, "and just another assault from the left-wing media and those who want to rip America from God's bosom and probably some Jews." Kravitz says she's introducing a measure in Congress to limit prime time programming to cooking shows and sing-a-longs and will make sure it passes if she has to sleep with every last member to get it done. Jagger is expected to recover in time for the Stones' private show this Sunday at the Colonial Penn Life Insurance Company.

The Seattle Seahawks lost 21-10 to the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XL Sunday and looked more out-of-sync than Farrah Fawcett during any of her talk show appearances. Seahawk coach Mike Holmgren kept covering his mouth when he called his offensive plays to keep the information from the Steelers - a strategy that apparently also kept the information from the Seahawks. Experts speculate that Seattle's listless effort may have been due to the Alito hearings, the cancellation of "Emily's Reasons Why Not," bird flu, Kenny Mayne's loss on "Dancing With The Stars," 391 straight days of rain in Seattle, The Stones failing to play "Sympathy For The Devil," a poor diet heavy on transfat and refined sugars, or the fact that their uniform color, Seafoam Green, is the primary color in 23 of 31 male figure skating outfits at the upcoming Torino games. The Mayor's office in Seattle said they would proceed with a scheduled ceremony this week bestowing a key to the city on Coach Holmgren, but that now he'd simply be given the wrong key, one that only opens a few public restroom doors.