FEDERER EMERGES FROM WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM TO WIN AUSSIE OPEN
Roger Federer beat Marcos Baghdatis in four sets to win the Australian Open Sunday.Jeff Sez: This dude is clearly the best tennis player in the world, but completely off the public's radar. He needs to have a few cocktails with Halle Berry and take the Escalade for a midnight spin, or get Tara Reid and Courtney Love to take him to the People's Choice awards, or drop Simon Cowell with a right hook at a Hooters somewhere. Get a new PR agent, because right now, I don't think they'd choose Roger Federer to endorse the Roger Federer Foundation.
ADULT MAN ACTUALLY NAMED COCO CRISP
Looking to replace the departed Johnny Damon, the Boston Red Sox obtained outfielder Coco Crisp from the Cleveland Indians.
Jeff Sez: The Mariners just would not budge on Cap'n Crunch.
WHAT A WEEK IN CRICKET!
In Karachi, Pakistan this past weekend, India paceman Irfan Pathan made cricket history Sunday by becoming the first bowler to take a hat trick in the opening over of a test match before Pakistan's Kamran Akmal hit back with a century. Leftarm bowler Pathan struck with his fourth, fifth and sixth deliveries to leave Pakistan reeling at 0-3 on a lively wicket.Jeff sez: Go on, read it out loud in your best John Cleese voice and tell me you didn't enjoy saying "lively wicket." This is an instant Monty Python sketch. And how war-torn and dictator-like and crushingly fundamentalist can Pakistan really be if the boys can gallivant in the park for four days at a pop for a 'lively wicket?' Sounds safer than Houston. I think they're on a meth bender at the whorehouse, but okay, let's stick with the 'lively wicket' story.
FEDS LOOK INTO BUICK SPOKESMAN TIGER WINNING BUICK INVITATIONAL
Tiger Woods won his first tournament as a 30-year-old by gutting out a sudden-death playoff with Jose Maria Olazabal and Nathan Green in the Buick Invitational at Torrey Pines near San Diego.Jeff Sez: The guy is flat-out the best. And I respect him for keeping his zone small. You never see him popping up as a body in a Sam Raime film or trying to do a Condoleeza Rice impression on "Saturday Night Live" or releasing an album of jazz standards on his own label. He golfs. G'night!
