The 2006 Winter Olympics suffered its first casualty at Olympic Village in Torino, Italy when police discovered the lifeless body of Lauro Fontanelli in the Italian Men's figure skating dormitory. Fontanelli was not expected to be in medal contention but was quite popular in the skating community for his wacky heterosexual attitude. Authorities and friends estimate Fontanelli may have been servicing as much as 100% of the female figure skating community in competition from all nations. No Italian medical examiner was actually on the scene, but most Italian men think they know everything anyway and so police sargeant Fabrizio Lonato declared Fontanelli dead at the scene from an overdose of heterosexual sex. Investigators found seven empty cases of prophylactics in a dumpster that had been pushed right under Fontanelli's second-floor dorm window and also discovered a 55-gallon drum of AstroGlide with a beer tap on it in his shower stall. Fontanelli's freestyle routine featuring "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "Chick Machine," while never popular with the skating judges, will be played in memoriam before next week's compulsory figures.

After almost hitting an undercover police car with her 2004 Escalade, LeBron James' mother was arrested for drunk driving late last Friday night in Akron, Ohio. Officers said Gloria James then got out of the vehicle, appeared disoriented, smelled of alcohol, resisted arrest and swore at the officers before stealing one of the officers' ticket books, driving the lane and slam-dunking it into the hood of the squad car. The 37-year-old, who refused to take a breath test, was charged with driving while intoxicated, disorderly conduct and naming her kid "LeBron." After intense police interrogation, Gloria tearfully admitted she got the idea for the unorthodox first name 15 years ago when she owned a Chrysler LeBaron and had accidentally knocked the "a" off the chrome nameplate scraping ice off her tail light.