PATS LOSE, HOT CHICKS' INTEREST IN BRADY DIPS
"Did you at least cover the spread?"
"Did you at least cover the spread?"
The New England Patriots' 27-13 playoff loss to the Denver Broncos cost them a historic shot at their third straight Super Bowl and has also cost their MVP quarterback Tom Brady something potentially far more valuable - action. "I don't know if I'd let him hit that," said a lingerie model, referring to her own ass. "I mean, he's cute, but the other quarterback from the other team had a beard and some black friends and they won." Added an actress who's appeared in a scene from "White Chicks" that was cut, "He definitely looked less hot at that after-game thingie. I don't know, maybe they light the losers differently." Indeed, Brady put on a brave front at the press conference but was visibly shaken when a reporter from 'GQ' magazine did not ask a standard followup question regarding the thickness level of the midnight blue Loro Piano cashmere boatneck sweater he was wearing, a sure sign he's losing tread in the fashion biz. In addition, Capital One announced it was giving one of Brady's offensive lineman most of the dialogue in their next credit card commercial, claiming it was 'unrelated' to the playoff loss. Brady was rumored to have been seen earlier this week back in Boston at a Bombay Bicycle Club pounding cheap schnapps and unsuccessfully hitting on the woman who finished third in that night's Kelly Clarkson Karaoke competition.
ELTON JOHN: SKATING OFFICIALLY "TOO GAY"

For the 37th year in a row, teenage girls whose facial expressions clearly indicate they have been forced into the sport dominated the women's figure skating competition and guys who seem even gayer than they were last year dominated the men's competition at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. A disheartened Sir Elton John, the highest ranking gay in society, said only, "I'd kind've like to see a bloke mean it when he grinds a chick skater in the rump."

HANGOVER OF THE WEEK: WIFE TAKES OUT D-BACK AT THE KNEES
Indianapolis Colts' defensive back Nick Harper suffered a knife wound to the right knee during a domestic, uhh ...'squabble' seems a little frothy, let's select 'altercation'... with his wife that required 3 stitches to close and wound up limiting Harper's playing time during the Colts' 21-18 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Playoffs. Police speculate Harper's wife wounded him in the knee because she either saw him dancing with another woman or possibly because she was loaded, prone on the floor and could reach no higher. Harper initially told police he cut himself shaving but recanted when he realized how gay that made him sound and felt it was better to let America believe he had violent tendencies and/or a psychotic wife. No official word from the wife's lawyers but rumor has it they are going to wait for the police to make several unbelievably boneheaded procedural mistakes with the evidence and barring that, may try a defense last used successfully in 1979 by Dominic "Little Stella" Finacci of the New York Portola family. Finacci had been accused of chopping off an informant's leg but was acquitted when his attorney claimed Finacci just thought he was playing mumbledypeg.
BUSH WARNS FIGURE SKATERS: 'NO MARRIAGE'

Under pressure from the religious figure skating right, which is small, cold and vocal, President George W. Bush announced Monday that while he and the country were tolerant of gay male figure skaters' "willingness to double-toe loop for the good of their country," he would under no circumstances sanction any gay figure skating marriages. Bush adviser Ralph Reed said he would closely, very, very closely monitor the figure skating competition for the President.