FATTEST CITY: CHI-TOWN, VEGAS 1-2
Based on criteria including number of fast-food restaurants and city parks, a recent survey revealed that Chicago is America's Fattest City, followed closely by Las Vegas.Jeff Sez: Vegas is not really fair, because so many fat people from other parts of the country have moved to Vegas in the last few years. Vegas is like an all-you-can-eat-buffet electro-magnet for fat people. It's irresistible. And even Chicago's a little unfair. Sure, there's plenty of fat people there, but it's also the home to several super-fat people. It's like a cottage industry in Chicago. A "cottage fries" industry. you know when you see the story on CNN in which the fire department has to remove the side of a super-fat person's house just so they can get them to their dental appointment on time? Odds are it's the general Chicago area. And those super-fat people out-balance a lot of skinny attractive people. As a Wisconsin boy, I'm shocked and almost embarrassed that Milwaukee is somehow the fifth HEALTHIEST city.
BUSH DIDN'T SEE HE WAS LATERALING TO WHITE GUY
Reggie Bush's impromptu lateral in last week's BCS Championship tilt between USC and Texas has been singled out by several experts as the turning point in the game, eventually won by the Longhorns, 41-38.Jeff Sez: That lateral was a play I'd high-five if it came in the middle of the Valdosta State-Furman tilt. But in the middle of the national championship game I just stared at the TV in low-voltage disbelief, like you stare at the woman in The Home Depot checkout line who has the torso of a petite 100-pounder and then an asphalt mixer for an ass. It was not, however, "the turning point." That's like saying John Kerry being a little long-winded in a New Hampshire stump speech cost him the election. Vince Young being born was probably the turning point. Although, was his performance THAT surprising?! I mean, Fresno State's Paul Pinegar ripped the Trojan D for several hundred yards, and he's to Vince Young what Clay Aiken is to Fitty Cent. The Trojans had a great run and will probably immediately start another, but they ran out of pixie dust for a night, that's all.
JOE PA WINS DEFIBRILLATOR BOWL
Penn State beat Florida State in triple overtime to win the Orange Bowl and lead 78-year-old Joe Paterno over 76-year-old Bobby Bowden.Jeff Sez: Bowden sounds like he's been ready to go bass fishin' for a couple years now, but Joe Pa is one of those psycho old Italian workaholics who wave off free rides and walk 9 miles to the 'other' store because it has the cheaper non-dairy creamer, or who'll argue with a zithead Domino's delivery kid for 50 minutes over the small print in a Penny Saver ad so he can get two free garlic balls, or who'd tell Snoop Dogg to "hitch your pants up, punk!" if he saw him on the street, or who doesn't know he's being at best insensitive when his comment on a potential sexual assault is, 'he doesn't seem like a bad kid.' Cranky Old Italian Guys do it because they lived through the Depression and World War II and it was this exact attitude that got 'em out of it alive, so screw all of you. Crazy, maybe, but it makes more sense than Scientology.
VICK SWITCHES MAJOR TO 'ARROGANCE STUDIES'
After a string of run-ins that includes giving underage girls alcohol, speeding, and a firearms violation, Virginia Tech qb Marcus Vick was finally kicked off the Hokies squad for intentionally stomping on an opponent's leg with his spikes during their bowl game. He then opted out of his senior year and declared for the NFL Draft.Jeff Sez: Why not? Former Ohio State linebacker Robert Reynolds jammed his thumb into Wisconsin qb Jim Sorgi's throat a couple years back and he's galivantin' around the NFL somewheres, and spiking a guy's leg was considered a 'warm up exercise' for Bill Romanowski. I think Vick's draft stock falls because, hey, who pulls that crap WAY OUT IN THE OPEN?! Wait til there's a 12-asscheek pileup! Wait til they're replacing the batteries on the gyro-cam! What NFL team is going to take a chance on that kind of decision-making?! Okay, Oakland. But the point is made. Sure, I want to castigate the kid for being out of control, but I've put my fist into enough drywall to know nothin's gonna get better til someone helps him see he's got a Grade A anger problem.
