Citing emotional humiliation and a variety of painful physical positions, nine Nevada call girls pulled out of this year's Lingerie Bowl only weeks before the contest was to be, uhh, played. Said Sheila Gilhooley, aka Libertine, "First this coach tells me to go down. Then he tells me to go under. Then he says do the post. Guess what - my lips can only be in one place at one time, sweetheart. You want me to work the post AND go down AND do an under? That's minimum, two-and-a-half sessions." Added Olga Jursevicz, aka Scandal, "This defensive coach kept screaming 'jam the gap, jam the gap!' and to me, that means only one thing and I didn't bring the right equipment for it." Mary Beth Pfund, aka Obsessa, stated, "This coach looks at me like I'm crazy because I won't 'toss the pigskin.' Hey, that's a two-girl operation that also involves either a hotplate or a small crockpot, and I'm just one whore, so don't give me the crusty look, Einstein." The Nevada girls also agreed that their dressing rooms "smelled musty" and that their scheduled pay-per-view lead-in - "Brian Boitano's IceCapones" - was a sub-par attempt at interpreting several Martin Scorcese scripts as a figure skating show. Corporate sponsor Sweetco, which manufactures the Penicillin Nut Bar ("Munch The Pain Away With Sweetco") said it would give organizers one week to find substitutes, preferably from the New York fashion circuit or Thai brothels.

The U.S. government informed Bud Selig and the Player's Union that it has shut Cuba out of the inaugural World Baseball Classic, citing the standing embargo against the communist island nation. Cuban participation in the sport's first World Cup-style tournament "would clearly destabilize world financial markets and cause potential rioting and chaos," said a State Department spokesman who said his name was "Cody" but stopped short of uttering his last name when he realized people were about to use it against him. "We feel Cubans, once free to roam the Classic's venues in the US, Japan and Puerto Rico, would manipulate the gold and silver markets, destroy intelligence networks that have taken years to build, and accelerate global warming," said Cody. "Their utility infielder's middle name, 'Idris,' has popped up on several hot lists, the eyes of their starting catcher are extremely shifty, and yeah, I'm sure there's just 'cigars' in their cigar boxes. Right." The Cuban Athletic Commission said it was disappointed in the baseball decision but will proceed with plans to design a large raft made of old milk bottles and sugar cane poles for entry in the America's Cup.