HARVARD QB FLUNKS PHYS ED POP QUIZ
Rams' rookie quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick threw four interceptions as St. Louis lost to the Minnesota Vikings, 27-13.Jeff Sez: See, now THIS guy has "something to fall back on." If they run him out of St. Louis on the back of a beer truck, within ten days he'll be working at a geo-political think tank in Washington, D.C., as opposed to, say, a septic tank on the outskirts of Gary, Indiana. Although, do they not make you take trig at Harvard? The shortest point between A and C is a straight line OVER obstacle B, not right into his hands four different times? On the upside he did, however, win a short rebuttal debate with a blitzing linebacker.
BUSH WINS HEISMAN, KARL ROVE SWITCHES ALLEGIANCE
USC tailback Reggie Bush won the Heisman Trophy last weekend by the biggest margin ever.
Jeff Sez: And now he gets to go back to the dorm and hope the Houston Texans win a game or two or else he'll get shipped to the Muggiest Place On Earth, a city where "death by ricochet bullet" is the second leading cause of death, and where he'll be forced to wear the world's worst helmet. Better he winds up in Green Bay. At least there the guns are aimed at deer, not your Escalade.
BEARS PLAYERS REDEFINE 'ROUGH-HOUSING'
Chicago Bears' offensive linemen Olin Kreutz and Fred Miller were each fined $50,000 for a fight that violated the NFL's personal conduct policy. The players threw punches last month at the FBI shooting range. Kreutz broke Miller's jaw; Miller told authorities he broke it in a fall at his house.Jeff Sez: This is why they invented the term "lummox." You've got to give Miller credit for refusing to snitch on his teammate, though maybe it was because his jaw was wired shut and he had to write out his answers to police questions, and when they asked him, "Who broke your jaw?" he had no idea how to spell "Olin Kreutz" and so made up an easier excuse to spell. But, tip o' the cap nonetheless. More weirdly, though - how do two 300-pound corn-fed bubbas wind up at AN FBI FIRING RANGE?! Why is that glossed over by the sporting press as if it was no odder a location for these guys than a Marie Callender's?! And once there, what prompts a jaw-breaking punch except LOTS of liquor and a "You shoot like a freakin' girl" diss? The lummoxes have flummoxed me.
