Embattled University of Colorado head football coach Gary Barnett reluctantly stepped down last week after experiencing the third worst year in America, behind only Courtney Love and former FEMA head Mike Brown. Barnett's Buffaloes were accused of using sex and booze to lure recruits to Boulder, then accused of double-digit sexual assaults, then suffered through a season-ending three-game losing streak in which they were outscored 130-22. Barnett also found time during the earlier rape scandal to hold a press conference and slide some blame onto former Buffs placekicker Katie Hnida, several other female athletes, three regular co-eds, a female professor and a couple of older women who just happened to be walking by his press conference on their way to the Boulder Yarn Barn. Sportalicious! reporters disguised as exotic dancers got into the Buffs' locker room and confirmed rumors that Barnett is placing blame for CU's 70-3 loss to Texas in the Big XII Championship Game on the fact that the Longhorn cheerleaders were 'too female,' causing his team to lose concentration for 59 of the 60 minutes. Despite being at the center of a scandal that makes the Minnesota Vikings' cruise look like an Amish barn-raising, Barnett is expected to resurface in another head coaching position soon, most probably at either New Mexico State or The He-Man Woman Hater's Club.

After several tense, latenight boardroom debates, the Fox Television network has decided to stop fielding only highbrow programming - for the first time ever they're taking the gloves off and going after the lower-common denominator networks with a sizzling new reali-drama destined to hip-check the competition - Celebrity Figure Skating. The show, due some time in January or sooner if "The War At Home" drops another point, will feature world-class figure skaters who've won national and Olympic gold and who desperately need some steady mortgage money paired with - HAGHH! - excuse me, something got caught in my throat - celebrities. Determined to avoid any gross and overexposed celebs and skaters, the show will feature the likes of That One Gay British Skater and The Asian American Who's Not Kristi Yamaguchi, paired with showbiz personalities like Todd Bridges and Dave Coulier. "Disney, Muppets, Bugs Bunny, We don't know why people like to see crap on ice," said a Fox spokesrobot, "but clearly they do." Fox said if ratings for celeb skating are competitive it will explore taking other theatrical presentations and performing them in physically tough situations, leading off with "SpaceCapades." Actors from the "The O.C." will take the space shuttle into orbit, tether to the ship's underbelly and drift around performing "Macbeth" or at least as much of it as they can retain. If "SpaceCapades" works, Fox plans in '07 to try "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" at the Vatican.