University of Kansas assistant basketball coach Joe Dooley apologized for cursing at University of Nevada basketball star Nick Fazekas following the 20th-ranked Wolf Pack's 72-70 win over the Jayhawks last week in Lawrence, Kansas. The incident happened as the two teams shook hands following the game, a tradition designed to help celebrate and reinforce the integrity of sportsmanship but used mostly now to look good for the cameras or to eyeball chicks in the crowd. Dooley at first claimed he was responding in a negative manner to something that was said to him in the handshake line. Fazekas and Nevada's coaching staff said no one said anything to Dooley in the handshake line and in fact, as per modern tradition, no one even made eye contact with the Jayhawks in the handshake line. Since that time a KU sociology professor visited by several blue-clad henchmen at his modest ranch home in the inky black of night has held a press conference to say Dooley could indeed be suffering from a rare, temporary form of Tourette's Syndrome triggered by catastrophic events, like earthquakes, tsunamis or a perennial collegiate hoops power losing three of its first five games.

Carolina Panthers' team physician Dr. James Shortt is apparently not short of cajones. Shortt is accused not only of writing illegal steroid prescriptions for three former Carolina Panthers but then advising the players how to take the drugs without failing league tests. "We have measured Dr. Shortt's stones and they may indeed be the biggest on record," said a spokesman from Charlotte's RJ Reynolds-Cancer Shmancer Medical Center. In addition to the hospital measurements and steroid evidence backing up the size of his rocks, it is rumored there's even more proof: that on a dare the middle-aged Shortt may have asked Jessica Simpson out on a date, parked in a handicapped spot with a guy in a wheelchair sitting right there, taken his girlfriend shopping at the same mall at which his wife works, flirted with a co-ed in his Sexism In Sports seminar, smoked Cubans at a cigar shop and left without paying, and traded free knee surgery to a cop just to get out of a speeding ticket.