Having heard repeatedly over the Thanksgiving Holiday how 'Bush has the inside track on the Heisman,' President Bush cancelled a ski 'work week' in Telluride, Colorado and warned the North Koreans to postpone any "funny stuff" until after the Dec. 10th Heisman ceremony in New York City. When informed that USC running back Reggie Bush is the one with the inside track, President Bush responded, "I haven't started my media blitz yet. I'm gonna turn Karl Rove loose in New York this week." When the first statement was clarified to indicate to President Bush that the award is for collegiate football players and Reggie Bush was the only Bush nominated and President Bush had, with all due respect, completely misinterpreted Heisman stories and thought he was nominated when clearly he would not and could not be, Bush responded, "Are you messin' with my head? This is a head game, isn't it? Ask Jacque Chirac about how well I play head games." When it was explained to President Bush that it was indeed not a head game but pure, simple, obvious fact that he was not a collegiate football player and could not possibly be eligible for the Heisman trophy, Bush responded, "This is a travesty, discriminated against because of my age and IQ, and I believe Americans will rise up and smite this injustice. This is America, not Iraqistan, and every one of us should have a shot at the Heisman." At this point reporters stared dumbfounded at the President and then headed for a dessert buffet at the back of the press room.

The National Hockey League has instituted several major changes to its game this season designed to keep action moving, eliminate gratuitous violence and draw in new fans - and so far, it's working to a tee! NHL ratings are far too miniscule to be measured by the usual viewing barometers like Nielsen or Arbitron, but an organization called "College Kids Who'll Do Anything For Drinking Money" did some door-to-door canvassing in the Northeast corridor and discovered that television ratings have increased nearly 50%, from nine viewers to 17 - and all are happy with the new, sleek game they see on the ice! Rules changes instituted by the NHL include, 1) actually enforcing 60-year-old rules already on the books, 2) no, really, actually enforcing them, 3) holding meetings every three days to remind officials to actually enforce the rules, 4) suspension of dental plan for any player showing a consistent wanton disregard for the 60-year-old rules that are now actually being enforced, 5) body odor and bad breath now a two-minute minor, and 6) any play involving a broken bone will be automatically reviewed to see if an infraction of the rules has been committed. In addition, translators have been assigned to translate player insults from Russian to English and back, hoping to diffuse knee-jerk brawls. Just last Saturday the Buffalo Sabres held back from a bench-clearing fight when a Russian heckle from the Detroit Red Wings was translated only as, "I will not be coming to your cottage for Christmas nog."