KARMA NEVER WORKS THIS FAST FOR US
Bob Shwartz, the author of a New Mexico state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs, was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him.
Jeff Sez: This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that dogs have super good hearing. Laying by the fire, eating a bug, then a quarter of a muffin that's been under the end table for a month, suddenly you overhear your owner's phone conversation with the Governor about how to "take care of bad dogs." Cleverly, you wait a week, two, three... and then you just bite his ass bloody when he's trying to find the lowfat Haagen Daz in the back of the freezer. Hats off to you, dog. And yes -- I know technically this is not really a sports story, but for the love of God let it go, get a hobby, take a walk!
SO MUCH FOR THE '06 DEBUT OF WOPVISION
CanesVision, the company that runs the Jumbotron at North Carolina State University football games, apologized for the last in a series of subtitled crowd shots, this one of a Hispanic employee that was subtitled "Mexi-cam."Jeff Sez: Okay, there are officially zero backbones left in corporate America. RedskinCam, BadAsianDriverCam, MandingoScreen, HopeShe'sAWhoreCam -- any of those pop up on your Jumbotron, fine, stand up, apologize and donate money to a puppies-on-meth halfway house. But "Mexi-cam?" Harmless. What if it had been "ItalianCam?" I'll tell you what -- even "What'sWrongWithJumbotrons.com" doesn't pick it up as a news item. I live in LA, and not one Mexican sports radio caller had a problem with it. So who's the company apologizing to? Maybe their doctor, for accidentally leaving their cajones in his office.
LUCKY HE WASN'T A FAN OF REGGIE WHITE
A felon sentenced to 30 years in prison asked the judge to change the length to 33 years because the felon was a big fan of Larry Bird and "33" was of course Bird's jersey number. The judge complied.Jeff Sez: Really, what's the big deal - 2035, or 2038, President Lindsey Lohan will still be doing Skyy Vodka shots in the White House, they'll still be fighting over how much Halliburton is charging to build the bridge from California Island to the mainland, 120-year-old George Steinbrenner will still be running the Yankees by blowing into a computer straw next to his deathbed, and Tara Reid will still be so trashed her now-sagging boob will still pop out of her moomoo as she tries to crash the People's Choice Awards. Prison may be the safest place.
LAKER GIRLS MISS POINT COMPLETELY, MAY HIRE MAN
Rumor has it the LA Lakers dance squad, the Laker Girls, are thinking about hiring a man to join the ranks.Jeff Sez: Why don't you just send the guy naked into a ring with rabid hyenas and coat him in an estrogen/honey mix? He'd stand a better chance. Phil Jackson has got to be thinking, "Why am I back in LA instead of sucking tea from the cleavage of a yoga whore at Tokyo's top brothel?"
NO JOKE: READ HERE FOR SOMETHING GOOD IN SPORTS
After his team's 34-31 loss to top-ranked USC last Saturday, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis brough his son, also named Charlie, to the Trojans' locker room. "I just wanted to let them know that I had respect for their team and the way they played, and I thought that they showed a lot of character to go back and win that game," Weis said. "I just wanted to tell them that it was a hard-fought battle but I wanted to wish them well the rest of the year. I went back, to be honest with you, and sat down with Charlie and explained to him the difference between how it's easy to be nice when you've won vs. how tough it is to be nice when you've lost. I thought it was a good lesson for my son."Jeff Sez: Remember this the next time some goofbag pro gets arrested with a stripper, a handgun and a Balco i.v. There's hope.
