POKER ATHLETES CROSS FINISH LINE EXHAUSTED
Joseph Hachem of Australia won the $7.5 million dollar first prize at the World Series of Poker Finals at Binion's Horseshoe in downtown Las Vegas by flopping a straight and going all in versus Steve Dannenman, who took home $4.25 million dollars for second place. Jeff Sez: Boy, I'd love to rip these "athletes" a new one for winning millions while chain-smoking Dunhills, sipping Hennessy and moving less than a gargoyle, but you know something? I played poker three times against just some regular showbiz folk including comedian Kevin Pollak and writer/director Rod Lurie ("The Castle") and they emptied me out like a vending machine at a new prison. The third time was so quick I left before realizing I hadn't even paid for the buy-in yet. HADN'T EVEN PONIED UP YET. That, ladies and gentlemen, is embarrassing. Poker is an amazing mix of knowledge, skill and luck, and the lack of either of the first two guaranteed I wouldn't have any of the third. But I learned. I'm currently practicing the game slowly, against grade schoolers, and in an undefined number of years, I'll be back, Lurie and Pollak, and there'll be hell to pay!!
EXPERTS: NICKLAUS IN SOME SORT OF SLUMP OR SOMETHING
Jack Nicklaus officially retired from golf this past weekend after missing the cut in the British Open by two strokes. He took center stage at historic St. Andrews Friday to say farewell to the competitive PGA tour. Experts say his game isn't what it used to be.
Jeff Sez: Oh, yeah, his game's just deteriorated - He shot a 75 and an even-par 72, with three putts lipping out, birdying the last hole of one of the world's toughest courses under pressure that would crush your skull. Excuse me golf writers, but he would KILL you in a game of skins at your country club, take you for every cent in your pocket and make you eat your fake Cuban cigar on the 18th tee. He's 65, and he'd destroy your will to live by the third hole.
"T" IN T-BALL STANDS FOR 'TORTURE'
Mark Downs Jr., a T-ball coach in suburban Pittsburgh, allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so Downs wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said. The boy was hit in the head and the groin with a baseball and did not play. Downs was arraigned Friday on charges of criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and corruption of minors.Jeff Sez: Hey Mark, you're now the new definition of "Downs Syndrome" - wail on a disabled kid because you're still an asswipe at age 28 who needs to win a T-BALL competition - as a COACH - to feel some false warmth deep inside the abandoned well passing for your soul. I hope the kid's a math savant, the new Steven Hawking, and he discovers the equation that explains male insecurity, writes it on sandpaper and taps it down your throat with a musket rod.
TRASH-BAG HIDING SEASON OPENS IN KENOSHA
Jake Deates, a 4-year-old Kenosha, WI boy who hid in a garbage bag for kicks, was accidentally taken out with the trash and nearly crushed in a garbage truck's compactor before a sanitation worker, Inis Ramadani, heard him scream. "It's a good thing I screamed," Jake said. "I looked around and right away ... I stopped the hopper," Ramadani said. Jeff Sez: That there is movie classic dialogue! Welcome to my home town, folks. Kenosha. You can expect no less from the city that gave us the AMC Pacer - kids who examine the landscape and realize their best bet for a good time is horsin' around in curbside garbage bags. This is what happens when the library closes early. This is what happens when you don't let the kid play with firecrackers. This is the definition of, "I turned my head for ONE SECOND!!" Doctors are reattaching his umbilical cord as we speak. Jake, you devil, you're a bad boy. But relax, in about 13 years, women will find that an attractive quality.
