The first-ever Sportalicous 'Kid Who Had To Get Huge To Avoid Getting Picked On' award goes to Naperville Central High School defensive end John Porn (www.rivals.com). "John Porn" - Yes, you're writing a joke right now in your head, aren't you? Any school's cruel kids (okay, pretty much all of us) didn't even have to bend that name into a teaser. It comes fully loaded, and kids are brutal enough to use it early and often like a shiv shaved from a Popsicle stick. So we're guessing John Porn started lifting weights in kindergarten, and bided his time, which ain't easy for a grade-schooler yacked up on HoHos and Count Chocula. By freshman year, after his first decapitation of an opposing quarterback, we'd wager the 'porn' jokes began to peter out in home room, no pun intended. And now that he's being recruited by several Division One football programs, it's a good hunch the kids just call him "hey, dude." So while your pounding some heads this fall for the good ol' Naperville Central High Redhawks, John Porn, throw a little clothesline in for all the Lipshitz kids, would you?

Who says the country's in the grip of the Christian Right? Not Maryland hoops coach Gary Williams! If this photo's for real, Williams may be singlehandedly battling the righteous minions of Jesus by getting low-lidded at college keggers, sneakng up to the dames and saying, "Who's got the digi-cam?" There's not enough Advil in the world to make this go away the morning after! Oy. Either tell us this is Photshop or be careful of that crossover dribble, coach, because Larry Eustachy still has an opening on his staff down at My Life Went South University.