'TICK BITE' LATEST PSYCHEDELIC RAGE!
Doctors discovered that Florida State qb Wyatt Sexton, who'd been found naked in the middle of a Tallahassee street last month hallucinating that he was God, was not on drugs but was suffering from Lyme disease.Hey! It's the new meth! "Running through deer country" parties will sweep college campuses by September. Just don't overlap 'em with hunting season, dudes. Poor Sexton's got a year of recouping ahead of him, but on the upside, I'm sure Robert Downey Jr. and Gary Busey will be in touch with him shortly.
KOURNIKOVA TO COME BACK - WAIT, SHE QUIT?
Anna Kournikova has decided to end her two-year retirement and mount a comeback on the women's tennis tour. I guarantee you 99% of the guys out there will hear this news and say, "she stopped playing tennis? I didn't know that. What's her web address again? Hang on, it's in my Blackberry." They don't care. It's about looks - the closest she came to a tourney win was getting to the 2nd round of "Dancing With The Stars." I kid. She was a solid player, and she probably doesn't have to do this - she's established as a celeb and a model - but clearly she feels she has something to prove ON THE COURT. That takes some moxie on her part. Either that or her vacation villa in Kiev went way, way over budget.
MCMILLAN HIRES ON AS PORTLAND'S NEW PAROLE OFFICER - ER, COACH
Nate McMillan turned down an offer to continue coaching the improving Seattle Supersonics and instead took a giant, $90mil deal with the Portland Trailblazers, who suffered through a 27-55 season with players in drug and domestic abuse trouble.This is like a drummer moving from Kenny G to the WuTang Clan - it's gonna be more exciting, but is it really gonna be worth it? These Portland dudes have been arrested for everything including DOGFIGHTING. What's the worst that ever happened in Seattle?- Ray Allen misspoke his latte order?! Always risky trading cash for cache - Nate was a king in King's County. Maybe they made him drive a '97 Kia with the Sonics logo on it. But now he may be the first coach to bring a Mace cannister to his own practices.
SOX FANS: 86 YEARS TO WIN, ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO GRUMBLE
Boston fans and sports media are up in arms over manager Terry Francona's recent roster moves, including making Curt Schilling the potential closer out of the bullpen.Excuse me BoSoxers, didn't Francona lead you to your first World Series win since you had to hand crank your car to start it? And aren't you in first place despite being in the toughest division in baseball? Leave Francona alone and go set up some lipstick cams in the rectory, my friends.
