2ND ANNUAL SWIMSUIT ISSUE!
Here it is - the sexiest swimsuits you'll see all season right here on Sportalicious! Apparently this whole "swimsuit issue" thing takes a few years to get rolling, because wow, it's just not doing the trick for us yet like it did for Sports Illustrated. But hell, time? We got that. Meantime, stay as long as you want, these suits are easy on the eyes! C'mon, your boss isn't lookin', take all the time you want. Don't let your wife catch you, though! (Suit #3 worn by Eddie Izzard for 2004 HBO special, Suit #4 worn by Bea Arthur. Yeah, she really should've chose Suit #1.)
HANK STRAM TELLS GOD TO RUN 34-TOSS POWER TRAP, PLAY GAINS 17 YARDS!

Despite being in Heaven less than a week, legendary former Kansas City Chiefs head coach Hank Stram cornered God on the sideline and talked him into running a 34-toss power trap against Satan's minions. The play gained 17 yards for a first down. Heaven won 34-32 when a swarm of wasps appeared from nowhere to sting to death Satan field goal kicker Pol Pot.

HANGOVER OF THE WEEK: WIFE CARRYING CHAMPIONSHIP
Why does she need shoes?
Why does she need shoes?
Sonkajarvi, Finland - Let's all enjoy this before Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes decide to show up next year and wreck this event, too - the 2005 Wife Carrying Championships were held in this gaming mecca of Scandinavia 6 hours north of Helsinki! There's someplace on earth 6 hours north of Helsinki? Oh, my God. Winning time: 59.1 seconds - Estonia's Margo Uusorg won on a tiebreaker by having an extra 'u' in his name. The course measures three football fields in length with a water hazard, sawdust pit and two thigh-high barriers. This closely parallels marriage itself - it's way longer than you think, you're gonna get wet and smell like a tree, and you will have thigh-high barriers called 'kids.' Oddly enough, according to the Wife Carrying Championship bylaws, you don't have to actually carry your wife - But I guess "2005 Whore Carrying Championship" is too ballsy a name even for Europeans.
FEDERER TO WED ANY HILTON TO RAISE PROFILE

Wimbledon's men champ Andre Federer, or something like that, has announced he will wed any female member of the Hilton family or for that matter any woman with a reality show, in an attempt raise his visibility! "I am best player in world, yet you call me 'Andre'," said a purple Federer, "my name is Roger!" "Hey dude, at least 'Andre' is kind of French-sounding," we answered. "I'm Swiss!" said a hyperventilating Federer. Sportalicious! not only regrets the error, we regret ever running a men's tennis story. "I did not even get my name bolded in red in the headline!" said Andre as we left.