Scary Casino, CA - Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson and challenger Kevin McBride both lost to Tyson's stool Saturday night, which pummeled Tyson's ass between rounds 5 and 6 and forced Tyson to quit both the fight and his career. Tyson, who on most cards was actually beating McBride 3 rounds to 2, sat down after round five and was immediately hit with two jabs to the right ass cheek by the stool, followed by a left uppercut and right cross to the left ass cheek, then five body blows to the upper hips. Tyson, not used to fighting a stool, let alone a southpaw, was rocked and left himself open for a volley of jabs and hooks to his now-wide open ass. The stool peppered Tyson with taunts, including, "C'mon, try to bite MY ear," and "You couldn't find a black Kevin McBride to lose to?!" At this point McBride was penalized by referee Fornaro Splindt for "inactivity," his second of the fight and an automatic disqualification. Tyson finally dropped to one knee after a flurry of rabbit punches to the top of his ass crack and his corner threw in the towel, making the stool the first non-human since Riddick Bowe to win a boxing match. The stool will fight Avenido "One Way" Mesa on the undercard of the World Cockfight Championships in Juarez, Mexico August 8th.

The Washington Nationals, led by new manager Donald Rumsfeld, won ten in a row and took over first place in the NL East this weekend. The Nats began their streak just as Colin Powell was telling the UN that "baseball would take awhile" to grow roots in Washington D.C., and the red-faced Powell once again became a PR patsy for Rumsfeld, who's now kept the general's ass flapping in the wind for three years. The disgruntled Powell resigned as 3rd base coach, but Rummy quickly replaced him with Sean Hannity and the Nats haven't missed a beat. There are, however, signs they can't keep up the torrid pace. "Rummy's had most of these guys in the starting lineup for two full rotations and won't let them back on the bench," said newcomer Junior Spivey, "I'm hearing some grumblings." Experts agree Rummy's thrown everything into the fight with some sort of Red Bull-enduced zeal, but has no long-term strategy to win this thing. On "Face The Nation" Sunday, Rummy told CBS's Bob Schieffer he hoped to have local authorities running the club by September.