Sludge, IL - A 124-pound catfish who was a model neighbor and apparently had not one incident with the law during his entire life was dragged out of the Mississippi River by an Illinois man who took him on a deadly three-state joyride and then suffocated him in the back of a van. Tim Pruitt, a 33-year-old loner with a suspicious mustache from Godfrey, Illinois, claims to have been "just fishing" near Alton, Illinois, when he somehow coaxed Jinx the catfish, 51, out of the water. The unsuspecting catfish had been dining on garbage at the bottom of the river and may have been responding to Pruitt's request for "directions." The Kansas City Filet Coroner has not released his official report, but authorities believe Pruitt slipped Rohypnol into Jinx's drink, then coaxed it into his truck under the guise of giving it a "safe" ride home. Pruitt then took a series of photos with the fish and switched from to an official looking van, indicating he may have intended to just kidnap Jinx. But upon discovering that Jinx's friends and relatives were fish with no money, or pockets to keep it in, or even a phone to receive the ransom call, Pruitt became enraged and led cops on a high speed chase ending in a fiery shootout near Kansas City. Jinx survived the gunfire but could not be resuscitated at the scene. Pruitt, two lawmen and a walleye were injured in the hail of bullets.

Indianapolis, IN - Danica Patrick, the 23-year-old Indy 500 driver who became the first-ever woman to lead in that race, wound up finishing fourth and according to most experts could have won easily with an even slightly better performance parking her car during several pit stops. "The straights and the curves, she won those," said Wayne "Woody" Wayne, who covers monotonous sports for Sportalicious! and who finished 11th in the 1989 race at the Brickyard before being disqualified for drinking. "Hell, why shouldn't I have drunk?" injected Wayne, "it's an oval for godsake, I ain't gettin' lost. That dq still sticks in my craw. It's not like you can turn on the radio in those babies, I just needed a little buzz to keep me occupado!" Indeed, Patrick dominated action on the track but was shaky every time she pulled into the pits and had to park - twice bumping into the car behind her, forcing her to pull back out, put it in reverse and start again. Once she actually parked up on the sidewalk. Patrick's team co-owner, David Letterman, paid the $128 in parking fines for her out of his personal Traffic Fine Slush Fund.