KENTUCKY LT. GUV: 'DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD THREE COLLEGES!'
Sneer Holler, KY - Kentucky Lieutenant Governor Lem Tom Toobey said this week he was "shocked" three Kentucky schools - The University of Kentucky, University of Louisville, and Eastern Kentucky University - made it into the NCAA basketball tourney. Speaking from the complex at Sneer Holler, which is the state of Kentucky's equivalent to Camp David, Toobey said, "I had no idea we had three schools in the state. I've heard of Kentucky, 'cause its name is almost exactly that of the state itself, and my wife's kin hail from Louisville and they're always braggin' about some dang falootin' college up there, but I didn't think there was anythin' in Eastern Kentucky but moonshiners and them two guys who make fiddles." Toobey said he and the governor would see if the "extry school" could get them more tax bucks.
KANSAS: 'WE MIGHT ACTUALLY SUCK!'
Lawrence, KS - Anonymous sources at perennial basketball power the University of Kansas said Monday that after having lost five games in the last two weeks, they may, quote, "suck." However, the sources said they and everyone else associated with the program would continue to act in a cocky manner approaching arrogance on the off-chance they don't actually suck. "Perhaps we're just starting to suck," said the source, "in which case we can ride this out another couple years til we actually do suck, which would give most of us time to line up our doctoral work at Duke or Kentucky."
SCHOOL CAN'T BE FOUND ON MAP!
Indianapolis, IN - After the NCAA basketball selection committee announced that tiny Oakland College had made it into Tuesday's special play-in game, the committee then had to admit it did not know where Oakland College was and in fact may be the victims of a hoax by Howard Stern Show contributor Captain Janks. "We just got a phone call saying Oakland College won the Northern Sun League's automatic bid, or something like that," said a really dumb NCAA spokesman, "so we stuck 'em in there. The guy sounded really official, you shoulda heard him. But then we started talking and realized we weren't sure there was a Northern Sun League. And there's no Oakland College in the Oakland, California, Yellow Pages, so we're just a teeny bit anxious to see who the hell shows up Tuesday night."
NBC'S "CONTENDER": SUGAR RAY'S WORST BEATING!
Las Vegas, NV - A panel of boxing analysts agreed Monday that the critical pummeling Sugar Ray Leonard is taking as a host of NBC's boxing reality show, "The Contender," is the worst beating of his career. "Hagler tagged him with some shots back when," said Ring Magazine pundit Burt Sugar, "but that was a facial massage compared to this pounding." Leonard in fact is bringing his own cut man to the remaining tapings, and a ring doctor will examine him after every take to see if he still has what's left of his wits.
FIREWORKS COUNCIL DISAPPOINTED WITH ST. PADDY'S DAY SALES!
Port Grafitti, MO - The Illegal Fireworks Council's attempt to widen the appeal of fireworks to other holidays said today it is "disappointed" in its illegal fireworks sales leading up to St. Patrick's Day. The IFC aggressively marketed several new products specifically for the holiday, including "The Paddy Melt," a flat-disc 'flashpan' that shot green sparks peppered with metallic shards thirty feet in all directions, and "The Leprechaun's Pipe," an 18-inch rocket that fires sixty feet in the air and then explodes into a green blob while its exhaust plays the first eight notes of "Irish Washerwoman." The IFC said it will now focus its marketing efforts on Tax Day, April 15th.
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