Hey ho, Everybody-O! I’m BACK! I had to go in for gastric bypass surgery about seven months ago, and first, the seams ripped when I snuck some product out of the first-floor vending machine, so they had to go back in, then, they left – I kid you not – a Gastric Bypass Shortcuts manual inside my stomach, so they had to go back in and retrieve THAT, and finally, they wouldn’t let me leave because my Bookies Insurance, turns out, doesn’t cover gastric bypass. How lame is THAT?! I worked it off by doing a gaming seminar in ICU for sixty days. Proud to say of the survivors, four had huge winnings!

So let’s dive right back in – the OSCARS! Too much money played on the boring big bets! Take a tip from me for next year and for any upcoming awards shows – BET THE SMALL STUFF! The odds are better! Here’s where I made a cool extra $470 “potato chips” –

Acceptance Speech In A Foreign Language – over/under 2.
I took the under. Wow, Ennio Morricone can kvell. But that was it, although Ken Watanabe was un-understandable, baby! Fortunately, he was trying to speak English and he was only presenting.

DiCaprio Cutaways – over/under 21.
Took the over, dinner on me tonight at La Travesti – the only Opera-and-Taco restaurant in town!

Scorsese wins Best Director – 170-1
FINALLY. I been puttin’ a c-note on this for seven years. I only had two bucks left this time around, so technically overall I’m still down on the bet, but who gives a crapola, the point is, I KNEW IT WOULD COME IN AND IT DID…

Or my name ain’t
THE TUBSTER