Dear Dick: I've just married into a family that has a tradition among the men: turkey hunting during the holidays. I've done a little fishing and camping, but I've never hunted anything except my car keys. Any tips to help me fit in with the new in-laws? Jim P., Aberdeen, SD

Dear Jim P: Aberdeen will always have a soft spot in my heart because of the '94 Quail Shoot Off. Finished second to quail huntin' legend Barnie Pell, who died only a week later in a shootout with Treasury agents.

Okay, on to the Turkey hunt! This is actually not a bad hunt for a virgin hunter - generally the turkeys' land speed - well, they're fast for turkeys, but it's nothin' compared to a buck or a fox on the lam! Here's some basics to help you fit in:

1 - go to a shooting range and get used to the 'kick' of a hunting rifle; last thing you need is to be flat on your ass in front of your wife's brothers, who already want to gut you for deflowering their sis...

2 - you'll be hunting in a group, so remember, your range in civilian terms is that of a flashlight beam shone straight ahead from you. That's IT - no 'cross' shooting past that 40-degree arc or your latenight whisper of "Boy, I'd like to kill your freakin' dad" will come back to haunt you in court.

3 - Avoid the Purple Garbled Turkey. It's the only variant of all wild turkeys that will actually counter-attack even if wounded, heading right for the hunter in a confusing zigzag motion, then driving it's beak like a jackhammer deep into the fleshy part of the human belly. At that point, you may involuntarily discharge your gun, maiming or killing those in your party trying to come to your rescue. You can tell the Purple Garbled Turkey by a purple dot the size of a pinhead under its left eye.

Now, go bag a wild one and make some friends in the family for decades to come!