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STRAWBERRY
PRAYS WITH JACKSON; PROOF GOD IS ON VACATION!
Daycare Meadows, CA - Former major league outfielder
Daryll Strawberry, was invited by Michael
Jackson to come to Neverland Ranch and
pray with him through this troubled time for Jackson, although
those prayers may go unanwswered, according to God publicist Roger
Ippolito. Strawberry has fought his own demons most of his life,
though unlike Jackson, they tended to at least be demons of voting
age. Ippolito admitted God was on a ski vacation in Jackson Hole
for the holidays and could not be reached, but that he would be
back in the office on Monday, January 5th, and this was at the
top of his "To Do ASAP" list.
JACKO WANTS KOBE AS CELLMATE!
Hidden Kindergarten, CA - Michael Jackson, the
King of Pop and perhaps the King of Popsicles as well, said Monday
that if he is wrongfully convicted on child molestation charges
he hoped Kobe Bryant would be wrongfully convicted
on rape charges so that they could be cellmates at Robert Downey
Jr. Federal Celebrity Prison outside Lake Las Vegas, Nevada. Jackson
initially started his press conference in a secret hallway made
of Skittles at Neverland Ranch that no one in
the press could find and eventually finished in the K-B
Toys wing. Jackson insisted his reason is that Bryant
would be an intellectually challenging cellmate, but experts are
leaning more towards Bryant's baby-like face.
UTEP HIRES PRICE, WILL PAY HIM IN ONES!
El Paso, TX - The University of Texas-El
Paso has hired former Washington State
coach Mike Price as its new football coach and
has agreed to pay him his entire six-figure salary in one-dollar
bills. Price, who was also coach at Alabama for
three hours and fifty-one minutes last spring, has already stated
the Miners will build a new weight room, indoor
training facility, and athletic office suite with a gold pole
in the center. Price said the pole was symbolic of "miners
everywhere." The UTEP catering contract has been won by Hooters,
even though they were not the low bid.
JIM NANTZ'S HAIR MOVES, TWO INJURED!
Armoire, CT - A freak gust of wind in mid-town
Manhattan Saturday caused CBS sportscaster Jim
Nantz's hair to blow out of position and scrape the foreheads
of a tourist couple from Nova Scotia. Ellard and Marny Monckton
were treated for flesh wounds by illegal Jamaican street paramedics
who Nantz then paid off with NFL playoff tickets.
The Moncktons walked back to their hotel, where they packed and
headed home. Nantz is resting comfortably at his Connecticut home
with a hair sprain. A similar injury two years ago forced Bob
Costas onto pay cable TV.
'ADOPT-A-NINTENDO' LOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS
SPIRIT!
Las Vegas, NV - A group of former hi-tech engineers
who made billions designing video games are giving back to the
gaming community by starting an adoption program called "Adopt-a-Nintendo"
for old, worn-out, forgotten video game systems. "It's sad
to see these games shoved in a corner and left to rot," said
Homey Rippler, 29, a retired X-Box gazillionaire
engineer. "I can see if it was an old person who didn't really
help you at all during your life, but these games gave you JOY,
people! Give a little back." Rippler is encouraging people
to adopt an old system and give it a warm spot somewhere in their
abodes - and their hearts. Rippler said the old games may not
be 'fun' anymore, but they make great door stops, gag gifts, and
- swung by the cord - weapons.
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