"Put up your dukes, Ridge!"

Syracuse, NY - Citing dwindling attendance at sporting events, loss of student body sexual drive and a general malaise on campus, officials from Syracuse University have filed a lawsuit against the federal government demanding the Office of Homeland Security stop using the Syracuse nickname, 'Orange', to indicate 'heightened risk.' "We're dyin' up here," said Syracuse spokesman Don Fault, "every other week it's 'orange, orange, trouble, worry, stay home, get paranoid!' Why don't they use red or green or crimson? I'll tell you why - those are Ivy League colors at Cornell and Dartmouth and Harvard, and all those federal Ivy League blueblood bastards stick together!" Tom Ridge, Homeland Security director, said it had nothing to do with the Ivy League. "Look, 'mauve' just doesn't say, 'trouble, worry, stay home, get paranoid!' Neither does 'azure' or 'siena'. Orange does. And plus, okay, the Ivy League blueblood bastards had a little something to do with it. But this is great for my political visibility and I'm not messin' it up for some Big East school." The Syracuse lawsuit demands the government either change the color or create a happy, fruitlike mascot to go with the terror alert. "He could still be alerting people, but he could be smiling and winking," said Fault. The feds actually said they liked the smiley face idea, and will consider scrapping the color system in favor of an animal terror ranking system, peaking with either 'Lobos' or 'Badgers.'