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HEISMAN
LEASED TO OU'S WHITE PENDING BOWL GAME!
New York, NY - The Downtown Athletic
Club of New York announced it's temporary Heisman
Trophy winner Saturday - Oklahoma quarterback
Jason White! White won in a squeeker over Pittsburgh
receiver Larry Fitzgerald and Ole Miss
qb Eli Manning and will get to keep the award
til January 5th, when voters will re-evaluate based on bowl game
performances. "You know, like, in an election, there's a
primary?" said DAC spokesman Leo McScone. "Then there's
a final one? Well Jason won the primary. And he's the frontrunner
in the main election. It's just a little different twist. It's
not 'cause it's a down year, it's just 'cause it's a little different
twist, keep it fresh." The
new Heisman trophy features a velcro strip for the engraved
plaque. Cadillac of Manhattan will carry the financing on the
lease.
PAR KINGS BANNED FROM STATES!
Firedry Pines, CA - The hilarious stunt golf
team, the Par Kings, often called the Rapid
City Sticksters of golf, have been banned through March '04
from any further appearances in the United States after a stunt
at the Mon Ami Fatigue Country Club Pro Am went horribly awry.
Len Flen, Par Kings captain and former player and coach at Skyrocket
College in Grand Ditch, Nebraska, was hitting a ball off a butter
knife in the eyebrow crevice of Paul "Goomba" Stupina
- a bit that normally brings guffaws to the gathered throng. But
Flen was distracted by what he later told police was some sort
of "solar event," and whacked Stupina flush in the temple.
The butterknife propelled itself at incredible speed into the
spine of a saguaro cactus, which ignited from the metal's heat,
causing a brushfire that destroyed holes 7 thru 13 of Mon Ami's
Disdain layout. Stupina, meanwhile, was mistakenly taken to Beth
Shalom Temple until paramedics realized his mumblings of "temple"
referred to his injury. He was then airlifted to Bob Hope Cuecard
Hospital and is listed in "fair except for his temple"
condition. Flen left the police station before questioning was
complete and said he had business in Canada for "quite some
time."
NASCAR: JEFF GORDON ORDERED TO 'UGLY
UP!'
Greeby, TN - NASCAR, the governing
body for stock car racing and the organization in charge of burning
as much fossil fuel as possible, has ordered poster boy driver
Jeff Gordon to curtail his good looks for the
good of the sport. "He needs a broken nose or a mullet or
something," said Dade Briscoe, NASCAR publicist. "Cripes,
he's more attractive than Jason Priestley. Look
at the lengths Priestley went through, crashing and all, just
to get the right level of ugly for racin'. Gordon could learn
something from that." Briscoe said a poll of fans showed
they could relate more to someone who was closer to themselves
in terms of obesity and insanity. From now on Gordon will be fined
for washing his hair, eating balanced meals and not getting into
drunken brawls.
NATIONAL PAINTBALL LEAGUE TO TRY
AGAIN!
Las Vegas, NV - After a six month layoff due
to legal problems, the National Paintball League is set to debut
again with a new sponsor - Home Depot! Skeeter
Roscoe, league commissioner and former systems analyst for Cisco
who quit his job to play paintball full time, said Home Depot
was "all gnarled up to do it." He then excused himself
to go to a private room down the hall for something he said would
only take "a couple minutes." The franchises once again
will be the Seattle Mauves, the Denver Burnt Sienas, the Montana
Charcoals, the Santa Barbara Teals, the Santa Fe Cyans, the Las
Vegas Bronze, the Fresno Tangelos and the Lake Tahoe Taupes. The
games will be televised on the internet at Paintballisarushman.com.
THUMB WRESTLING INJURIES UP!
Baltimore, MD - Doctors at famed Johns
Hopkins University Medical Center have seen a marked
increase in thumb wrestling injuries - and they're not just standing
by idly while thumbs are destroyed! They've lobbied the NCAA
to eliminate thumb wrestling from all Division I programs! Currently
38 schools have thumb wrestling teams, lead by perennial powers
Iowa and Iowa State. But thumb
wrestling advocates will not go down without a fight, filing a
counter-motion showing facts from a Stanford University
study that claims thumb wrestling is no more dangerous than titty
twisters, a sport with a full 61 Division I programs. The National
Institutes for Health said it would weigh in on the ruling after
it got back from a cigarette break out in front of the building.
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