|
| |
 |
| |
The nicest establishment in
Cheddar Falls. |
The staff here at Sportalicious! got together
recently at, well, let's just say "a bar," to
make their annual college bowl picks! The final tab was
$937.75.
New Orleans Bowl - North Texas 9-3, vs. Memphis
8-4 (dec. 16)
CHET: Man oh man, is North Texas
a Division One school?
ALAN CASTAGNA: Take
Memphis, douche. I'll have a Blue Torpedo. Double Blue Torpedo.
CHET: What's with the potty mouth?
TUBSTER: Monte Libido's
fruitcake, anyone?
ALAN C: No. Shut up.
AL-SAHHAF: What time
do the dancers start?
ALEJANDRO: 4pm.
SAHHAF: What time is it now?
Mr. STATS: 1:30.
(irritated silence)
CHET: Hey. We're here to work.
GMAC Bowl - Miami of Ohio 12-1 vs. Louisville 9-3
(Dec. 18) Mobile, AL
Mr. STATS : You know, GMAC is one of the top seven real
estate firms in America.
SAHHAF : The hunger for land growls satanically in the bowels
of all who know no gods.
ALAN C : It's a killer investment.
SAHHAF : Really? I'll take Louisville. And rethink the land
thing.
ANTHEM SINGING BREASTS:
You know, my stomach is growling. Pass the Goldfish.
Tangerine Bowl - NC State 7-5 vs Kansas 6-6(Dec.
22) Orlando
ALEJANDRO: I had a dream the other night about tangerines.
CHET: was there a wolf or a wolfpack in it?
ALEJANDRO: No.
CHET: Why in hell did I hire you?
TUBSTER: HoleyMoley's sportsbook says lay off this one...
ALAN C: Kansas. And the under. I'll have another Blue Torpedo.
Fort Worth Bowl - Boise St. 12-1 vs. TCU 11-1 (Dec.
23)
OUTDOOR DICK: Fort Worth
is good for quail hunting and that's about it.
ALAN C: Dick, ya scared the hell outta me. Have you been
here the whole time?
OUTDOOR DICK: Yup.
BREASTS: The men in Texas are real men.
TUBSTER: You look nice today, Breasts.
CHET: Boy, oh Boise State! Let's focus here people.
Las Vegas Bowl - New Mexico 8-4 vs. Oregon State
7-5 (Dec. 24)
Mr. STATS: The odds of a game in Las Vegas being rigged
are much higher.
ALAN C: Do you know what fun is?
Mr. STATS: I'm sorry, what?
ALAN C: Drink this.
Mr. STATS: (drinks) (whispers) Oh my God.
TUBSTER: If anybody's coming to Vegas for this game and
needs a place to crash -
ALAN C: You got a guest room in that Pontiac Aztek.
SAHHAF: The Beavers will gnaw the putrid flesh of Satan's
wolf. 24-17.
Hawaii Bowl - Hawaii 8-5 vs. Houston 7-5 (Dec. 25)
CHET: Now here's a broadcasting gig - Christmas in Hawaii.
ALAN C: Too bad you barely qualified to call our own damn
game.
CHET: Shut up. Two columns in nine months.
BREASTS: Alan, are you going bald a little? In the back?
ALAN C: Let me take you to the Can-Am Lodge and you can
have a closer look.
BREASTS: I like Hawaii. The city and the team.
Mr. STATS: It's not really a city.
ALAN C: You're a real sweet-talker. Here. Try this Schnapps.
Motor City Bowl - Bowling Green 10-3 vs. Northwestern
6-6 (Dec. 26)
TUBSTER: Applecrate's Casino has BG as their lock of the
week
ALEJANDRO: Pitcher of Blue Torpedoes, and step on it. Northwestern.
Insight Bowl - VA Tech 8-4 vs. Cal 7-6 (Dec. 26)
Phoenix
CHET: What happened to the "dot-com?"
Mr. STATS: I can't believe they actually deliver any insight.
SAHHAF: Tech has collapsed like the hollow regime of a puppet
dictator. Cal by three.
OUTDOOR DICK: Phoenix has great snake-huntin'.
BREASTS: Dick, you're taller than I remember.
Continental Tire Bowl - Pitt 8-4 vs. Virginia 7-5
(Dec. 27) Charlotte
ALAN C: What's next, "Coconut Air Freshener Bowl?"
BREASTS: I know someone who said they worked at a rubber
company.
TUBSTER: That's a stretch, hehehe.
CHET: Tubster, don't try to crack jokes for at least another
couple of drinks. Fitzgerald goes nuts. Pitt by 17.
Alamo Bowl - Mich St. 8-4 vs. Nebraska 9-3 (Dec.
29) San Antonio
Mr. STATS: I need new prescriptions because my eyes seem
far worse than normal...
ALAN C: Go on, dweeb. I'm rapt.
OUTDOOR DICK: Huskers in a squeeker. Leave at halftime and
then fish the Rio Grande.
Houston Bowl Texas Tech 7-5 vs. Navy 8-4 (Dec. 30)
CHET: Do you have any chips or peanuts? And another pitcher
of Torpedoes?
ALAN C: Chet, that's a good call. I respect that.
CHET: Alejandro predicted you'd say that when we were peein'.
ALAN C: I can't believe it. That actually made me laugh.
ALEJANDRO: God, my head is split in two. Navy.
SAHHAF: You are a brainless infidel. Tech.
Silicon Valley Classic - Fresno St. 8-5 vs. UCLA
6-6 (Dec. 30) San Jose
BREASTS: Guys, I'll take this one. Fresno State.
TUBSTER: Marco Polo's Overland Route Casino says UCLA by
two.
BREASTS: That's a dumb name for a casino. Can I have your
olive?
Holiday Bowl - Wash St. 9-3 vs. Texas 10-2 (Dec.
30) San Diego
CHET: So named because ratings take a holiday!
ALAN C: I must be so hammered, because you're making me
laugh.
Mr. STATS: Washington State is statistically due for a bowl
win.
ALAN C: I'm not that hammered. Texas by 50.
Music City Bowl - Auburn 7-5 vs. Wisconsin 7-5 (Dec.
31) Nashville
ALL: Badgers!!!!
Sun Bowl - Oregon 8-4 vs. Minnesota 9-3 (Dec. 31)
El Paso
OUTDOOR DICK: Boy, even I can't think of anything else to
do in Texas.
CHET: Too many damn bowls in Texas.
ALEJANDRO: I had a vision of Oregon.
CHET: But you're from there, you might justa been daydreaming.
ALEJANDRO: Okay. Minnesota by 8.
TUBSTER: I just ate something I don't think was food.
Liberty Bowl - Utah 9-2 vs. Southern Miss 9-3 (Dec.
31) Memphis
CHET: So named because you're at Liberty to watch something
good on TV.
ALAN C: Barkeep! Jalopeno Heater for my funny friend!
BREASTS: Mormons are the wildest people sexually. Utah by
a score.
SAHHAF: Southern Miss will field dress the Mormon Philistines.
Wow, these Blue Torpedoes are good.
Independence Bowl - Arkansas 8-4 vs. Missouri 8-4
(Dec. 31) Shreveport
Mr. STATS: Shreveport is 117th on the Prime Destination
list.
CHET: Amen to that. Rather be in Oshkosh. Mizzou.
BREASTS: (singing) "I'd rather be in Oshkosh than Shreveport."
ALL JOIN IN DRUNKENLY: (singing) "Cuz Oshkosk will
ass-wash for free..."
San Francisco Bowl - CSU 7-5 vs. Boston College
7-5 (Dec. 31)
Mr. STATS: Why is eveyrone lookin' at me?
ALAN C: You're paranoid.
Mr. STATS: Am I standing?
SAHHAF: On the shoulders of blood sucking parasites, ingrate.
Mr. STATS: Back off.
ALAN C: Fight!
(scuffling noises)
CHET: Wow. Stats is much faster than I thought.
BREASTS: We need ice over here, bartender.
OUTDOOR DICK: Sahhaf, get off my boots. I like Colorado
State.
Outback Bowl - Iowa 9-3 vs. Florida 8-4 (Jan 1)
Tampa
SAHHAF: My lip bleeds only from contempt for the evil of
numbers.
ALAN C: Right. You had a choice in it.
BREASTS: You know what's good? Mixing the Blue Torpedo with
the Jalopeno Heater.
ALEJANDRO: I need a Slim Jim...and the bar dice.
TUBSTER: (slurring) Terry Argentini's Gay Caballero Casino
has Iowa to win it all.
Gator Bowl - Maryland 9-3 vs. WVU 8-4 (Jan 1) Jacksonville
CHET: So named because you need a jaw that big to swallow
this crap.
ALAN C: You're on fire! I like you! Tell no one though.
Maryland.
TUBSTER: These Slim Jims are like filet mignon...
Capital One Bowl - Georgia 10-3 vs. Purdue 9-3 (Jan
1) Orlando
OUTDOOR DICK: Drop the kids at Disney World and play 18
at TPC.
SAHHAF: I will take Purdue. Anything with the word "boil"
in it is satisfying.
CHET: Could you just run a hose with Blue Torpedo juice
into my mouth?
Rose Bowl - USC 11-1 vs. Michigan 10-2 (Jan 1)
CHET: So named because "tulip" sounded too gay!
ALAN C: (laughs)
Mr. STATS: You spilled on me.
ALAN C: Don't get cocky 'cause you knocked out a former
minister of information.
BREASTS: Trojans.
TUBSTER: Ed Monroe's Shock-asino says Wolverines in an upset.
CHET: Uh oh. The Tubster's laying in a booth. That can't
be good.
Orange Bowl - Miami 10-2 vs. FSU 10-2 (Jan 1) Miami
CHET: So named because who's goin' to the Grapefruit bowl?
ALAN C: Zactly!
CHET: I'll take Miami for my buddy Jonny Fink.
Mr. STATS: Picking based on emotion is numerically horrible
for you.
CHET: Al, I'm starting to see what you hate about Stats.
Mr. STATS: I'm sick.
Cotton Bowl - OK St. 9-3 vs. Ole Miss 9-3 (Jan 2)
Dallas
OUTDOOR DICK: Another Texas thing. Their Junebugs'll suffocate
you.
ALAN C: I have somethin' to say! Ole Miss! and a hot dog,
please.
BREASTS: I LOVE hot dogs!
SAHHAF: I will buy you many hot dogs right now. The nectar
has eaten my brain.
Peach Bowl - Clemson 8-4 vs. Tennessee 10-2 (Jan
2) Atlanta
CHET: So named because it's the pits.
ALAN C: God, you should write these down.
ALEJANDRO: I see orange on the back of my eyelids. Tennessee.
Fiesta Bowl - Ohio St. 10-2 vs. K-St. 11-3 (Jan
2) Tempe
CHET: So named because you'll wish you were partying instead
of watchin' this.
ALAN C: You have a mean streak. That's good. Go Buckeyes!
TUBSTER: (muffled, from booth) Tubster says put on the gutsy
glasses here - Ohio State.
Humanitarian Bowl - Tulsa 8-4 vs. Ga Tech 6-6 (Jan
3) Boise
CHET: So named because you'll need humanitarian aid to stay
to the end.
ALAN C: (laughs)
SAHHAF: Actually - that was funny. Hurricanes will eviscerate
the Bees.
BREASTS: Wrecks almost rhymes with breasts.
ALAN C: Uhhh... okay hell, yeah, sure. Almost, sweetheart.
Sugar Bowl - OK 12-1 vs. LSU 12-1 (Jan 4) New Orleans
CHET: So named because it's the key ingredient in a Blue
Torpedo.
OTHERS: Amen!!!
CHET: LSU. But I'm drunk.
ALAN C: So better they be.
ALEJANDRO: What?
SAHHAF: Oklahoma.
Mr. STATS: Why is your lip bleeding?
BREASTS: New Orleans is so...much...fun. Hey- the jukebox
has Stevie Ray Vaughan.
OUTDOOR DICK: Double Trouble, Breasts.
TUBSTER: My chest hurts.
(At this point, two people fall down and the bartender calls
cabs for everyone. He settles for $480, four press box seats
for the Sportalicious Nake Chicks In The Pressbox Bowl and
a tip on Halliburton stock from Castagna.)
|
