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NEW NASCAR RULES SHOULD KEEP SPORT 'WHOLESOME!'
Gargleplease, NC - In an effort to de-fang and
de-twang auto racing, NASCAR released today a
list of additional "behavioral violations" that, if
committed by a driver in a post-game press conference, will result
in fines and point deductions. As Dale Earnhardt Jr.
discovered last month, swearing will cost you; now he and all
other drivers must beware of -- surly glances, growling, detectable
eye rolls, the phrases "Duh," "No way," and
"that's a stupid question," and sneering while rubbing
the mustache. In addition, NASCAR is giving to each and every
driver an educational DVD entitled, "How Would Jesus Drive?"
SPORTALICOUS BOWL II!
Cheddar Falls, WI - The second annual Sportalicious!
Naked Chicks In The Press Box Bowl will once again be played December
23rd at University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh Titan Stadium!
With a special reprieve from the NCAA allowing
sponsors to use teams with losing records for bowls with less
than a $3500 payout, the 3-8 Illinois Fighting Illini
return to defend their
bowl loss last year! Their opponent hasn't confirmed yet,
but rumor has it it could be Nebraska, playing
in ski masks and neutral jerseys, which are sort of a taupe with
gray-ish trim.
REPORTER ASKS GOOD QUESTION!
Minneapolis, MN - After the Minnesota
Vikings lost 27-23 at home Sunday to the Seattle
Seahawks, even more shocking news came from the post-game
press conference -- J.T. Manhassum, football beat writer for the
Seattle Sun-Orator, asked a question of Vikings head coach Mike
Tice that was so original and legitimate it brought the
press conference to a grinding halt. The question -- "Does
losing to a mercurial team like the Seahawks make you re-evaluate
the psychological stability of your own club?" -- was greeted
with stunned silence. Other reporters then grumbled and got up
to leave, jostling Manhassum on their way out and refusing to
buy him drinks at the hotel bar later that evening. "He made
us look bad," said a drunk sports writer, "and that's
so scummy and low." Tice is still in the press room, attempting
to formulate an answer to Manhassum's question.
PISTONS FAN SIGNED BY TIGERS!
Detroit, MI - Ronnie Leland Tucker, a 22-year-old
unemployed Foot Locker flyer distributor and participant in last
month's melee at a Detroit Pistons game, has
been signed by the cross-town baseball team, the Detroit
Tigers. Tucker has been assigned to the Tigers' Double-A
affiliate in Nightmare, Texas, the Nightmare Chills. He's expected
to pitch middle relief based on his arm strength in the melee
footage, but the Tigers admitted they're grooming him to run off
the bench in baseball melees and kick some ass.
SPORTALICIOUS! IN TALKS WITH
SOME FITNESS GUY!
Cheddar Falls, WI - Sportalicous! managing editor
Chet Waterhouse announced yesterday that
the website is actively looking at someone to write a fitness
column, and that someone is Chuck D'amato, a 27-year-old former
hackeysack pro and harmonica player who recently went into personal
training and has already bagged several celebrity clients, including
Larry The Cable Guy and Craig Kilborn.
D'amato could come on board as early as next week, but for tax
purposes probably won't start until January and then be released
sometime before federal guidelines for full-time employees kick
in.
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