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EXHAUSTED
TONY ROBBINS: "BOSOX CAN'T WIN!"
Palm Springs, CA - The world's leading optimist,
motivational speaker Tony Robbins, held a press
conference Saturday at his Giant Head Headquarters specifically
to announce that even despite signing Curt Schilling
and going after Alex Rodriguez, the Boston
Red Sox would never win the World Series.
"It's a lost cause," said an exhausted Robbins, "I
just got back from up there, I was going to help out with their
supposed 'curse,' but after five days I felt like Harvey
Pekar. Wow, those people take 'negative' to new lows.
I just wanted to grab a Starbucks and get the
hell back home. A Trailways busride through the mid-South is less
depressing than that franchise. Something about them sucks the
life out you. They're the Dracula of professional sports. I have
four words of advice for Schilling - 'Ninety Day Disabled List.'
"
LEBRON FINED FOR VISITING SANTA!
Cleveland, OH - In another act of open rebellion
against team brass, the Cleveland Cavaliers'
stud rookie 13-year-old phenom Lebron James intentionally
missed Sunday afternoon's game so he could visit Santa near the
Nordstrom's store in an affluent mall by James'
new house. Lebron was fined $12,500 dollars per wish for a total
of $87,500. But a defiant James, his balls still yet to drop,
said in a high-pitched voice that the fine was "worth it"
because he wished for a car valued at six figures and Santa said
he'd get it for him in exchange for courtside seats. When pressed
on accepting payola and abandoning the naughty/nice list, Santa
added, "We're way past milk and cookies, okay there John
Boy Walton?!" At that point Santa's publicist from PMK, Tacy
Garth-Sanka, broke in and ended the interview.
RAY LEWIS TO BE NEW SPOKESMAN FOR KIDS
ADS!
Baltimore, MD - Baltimore Ravens
linebacker Ray Lewis will be the new on-camera
spokesman for a public service campaign aimed at keeping kids
out of trouble. Similar to "Just Say No," the program
is entitled "Just Get Outta There." Lewis will advise
kids through an upbeat positive rap music jingle that if they
face any sort of trouble, to "just get outta there - don't
see, don't hear, don't speak no evil, just get outta there."
The tune was written by Rick James and Shug
Knight and was originally to be sung by R. Kelly
until even African-Americans said, "Alright, knock it off,
that ain't right." Lewis nearly got in trouble with police
after having been at a nightclub where a fatal shooting took place,
but he credits his ability to "just got outta there"
with saving his life.
BARRY SANDERS WRITES BOOK, SAYS NOTHING!
New York, NY - Former Detroit Lions
running back Barry Sanders, the All-Pro who quit
the game under mysterious circumstances, has written an autobiography
that reveals absolutely nothing on why he, an All-Pro, quit the
game under mysterious circumstances. Despite Sanders making the
rounds of interview shows and holding several press conferences,
not one sports reporter was able to garner any information regarding
why he quit the game under mysterious circumstances. Somehow,
sportswriters who know what Kobe Bryant had in
the mini-bar 'before sex' versus 'after sex' can't figure out
why Barry Sanders quit the game under mysterious circumstances.
Could we get a couple guys working on this one? Apparently, no
one knows anything about Sanders. His wife doesn't even know where
he lives. Mysterious.
SPORTALICIOUS! BOWL GAME LOOKING
FOR ONE MORE TEAM!
Cheddar Falls, WI - For the first time in its
existence, the University of Illinois is 'in!'
That's right, the Sportalicious! Naked Chicks In The Press Box
Bowl has snagged its 'home' team - the Fighting Illini (1-10,
0-8 Big Ten). The Illini bring an impressive
array of offensive weapons to the table, most of them sitting
on the bench or still taking classes in high school like "shop"
or "music appreciation." Bids are out to seven other
teams to be the Illini's opponent Dec. 23rd at UW-Oshkosh's
Titan Stadium. Meanwhile, after all-night negotiations
it has been reported that Wheezer's Gentlemen's Club near DePere,
Wisconsin, will provide three to eight exotic dancers for the
press box, depending on what we want. Sportalicious! staff will
go to a special meeting Saturday night at Wheezer's to determine
which of the dancers is Sportalicious! caliber... which may be
determined by who can drive themselves to Oshkosh.
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