|
MARCHING BAND STOPS PUNT RETURN, WINS GAME!
Albondigas, NM - At the Division II JUCO football
championship game between Lard (TX) and Consolidated Driving Techniques
(SD) held here Saturday, there would be no repeat of the infamous
Cal-Stanford play in which a Cal player ran over the marching
band on the last play and won the game! With CDT clinging to a
7-6 lead and literally no time left on the clock, Lard return
man Jumbo Tick took off with a punt from his own ten yard line,
shockingly weaved through the Shuttlecocks defense and headed
for the end zone, where the CDT marching band had already amassed
for the post-game celebration. With a full head of steam, Tick
barreled into the CDT flute section -- and got stopped in his
tracks at the six-yard line by Marly Keemens, Denise Jo Celpyz
and Martha Fragtoni. Tick lay unconscious for several seconds
and was rushed to Sunfever Hospital where he's listed in "piccolo
in the ass" condition.
RALPH REED WILL PERSONALLY OPERATE
BLEEP BUTTON!
Washington, DC - Ralph Reed,
the former psycho freak insane fire-eyed scary religious zealot
who was invited to become a key player in the Bush Administration,
has told network TV execs that he has a written order from President
Bush in a sealed dossier that allows Reed and only Reed
to ride the audio "bleep" button on its seven-second
delay all through the upcoming Super Bowl halftime.
Reed will also have the right to physically pull the video plug
from the wall at any time and replace the TV feed of the Super
Bowl with a re-run of the last hour of "Election '04"
coverage that showed most of the country in red.
FALCONER LEAGUE SHUT DOWN IN FIRST
WEEK!
White Goop, CO - Officials of the Continental
Falconer League had to halt their opening match between the
Denver Peckers and the Helena Hens when four of the Peckers falcons
attacked a spectator eating a medium-rare hamburger, somehow yanked
a leather hood over his head, picked him up, flew him thirty yards
and dropped him onto a group of Christmas carolers. The carolers,
unfortunately, were unharmed. Authorities shut down the league
pending a safety review, but the incident was the highest rated
moment on the new satellite channel, Somethin' Scary Might Happen!
TV.
'ULTIMATE BOWLING' TO DEBUT!
Sac, NV - Execs from Bowl America and ShineySuit
Entertainment have announced the premiere date for their new made-for-TV
sport, Ultimate Bowling! On Dec. 27th, Johnny Funko and Ed Bob
Pleavis will bowl while fighting each other bareknuckle using
boxing and karate techniques and a bowling ball. Funko and Pleavis
can range over the entire two-alley area but cannot step over
the foul line even for a death punch, and cannot use the hand-dryer.
They must also keep score of their punches on the overhead projector.
ARTEST IN MELEE WITH
TINSEL!
Indianapolis, IN - Indiana Pacers
forward Ron Artest, suspended for the season
for jumping into the stands in Detroit and fighting fans, got
into a donnybrook involving city employees trimming lightposts
with cheesy holiday garland on his way to anger management class
in Indianapolis Monday. Apparently a two-foot length of tinsel
drifted into Artest's face and mouth, and everyone knows -- don't
chew tinsel! At that point Artest punched a shopper who happened
to be walking past with a puppy, then got in the GMC cherrypicker
and drove it through an intersection with the accelerator floored,
scattering the other seven people who were in downtown Indianapolis
at the time.
|
|
