"Who do we not play next week?"

Detroit, MI - Despite a player/owner lockout that has prevented any National Hockey League action thus far this season, over 3,400 fans in Detroit got toasted on Stroh's 40-ouncers Saturday and beat the hell out of each other in the parking lot of the Joe Louis Arena! "Man, that felt GOOOOOOD!" said a bloodied Torg Torgerson, 37, an unemployed airport SmartCart retriever. Torgerson sheepishly admitted he was relieved the Red Wings hadn't actually played the fictitious game against the Toronto Maple Leafs, because the "Maple Leafs are monstrous this year." Torgerson was treated for a caved skull at Stop Snowing Medical Center and released. In all, eighteen people were arrested, including 7 women and a toddler, who was accused of strangling a drunken man with his Mommy Leash. Three cars were lit on fire, though police speculate fans did it in an effort to stay warm and so have held off charging them with car-burning, which in Detroit is a ticketed misdemeanor with a $39 fine. Meanwhile, the lockout continues, and many players have been staying in shape with daily workouts that include whacking each other with sticks and jamming them alternately in the thorax and scrotum in the slim hopes the strike will be settled by '05. Thus far those most affected by the strike are the extended families of some of the Russian players back in the motherland, who are without firewood for the winter. The Red Wings next fictitious game is Dec. 21st against the Colorado Avalanche.