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Happy Holidays from our family here at Sportalicious!
to yours. whether ye be spending those days in a country
mansion or a suicidally depressing studio apartment, Merry
Christmas and Kwanzaa and the Jewish thing too! We're starting
a new tradition here by sharing some of our favorite holiday
recipes with you! FEEL FREE TO SEND US ONE BACK,
AND IF YOURS IS SELECTED FOR PUBLICATION, YOU'LL WIN YOURSELF
A SPORTALICIOUS T-SHIRT!
First up, it's our own Dick Baker, aka Outdoor
Dick!
Wild Roast Turkey With Natural Cranberry/Wild Mushroom
Stuffing
1 - shoot a wild turkey
2 - field dress it by slicing it from its neck to its ass
3 - drain the entrails
4 - pluck and de-worm
5 - pick a bucket of wild forest mushrooms
6 - sneak into a cranberry bog and steal a pound of fresh
cranberries
7 - start a fire of only freshly chopped and quartered tamarack
logs
8 - melt a little butter
9 - mash the cranberries with the mushrooms and butter
10 - tuck them into the turkey's chest cavity
11 - whittle a spit and two "Y" supports, one
12", one 36"
12 - slow roast the stuffed bird on the angled spit for
14-16 hours
13 - (peel skin if watching weight)
14 - slice and serve!
...but make sure your turkey is roasting ON THE ANGLE. If
it's too level, there's a teeny chance the talinin from
the wild turkey fat will combine with the high acidity in
the wild natural cranberries and the hallucinogen from the
mushrooms and make a poisonous brew which unfortunately
still tastes yummy! The concoction causes what doctors refer
to as "catastrophic bloat." This could inflate
one of your relatives, especially say, your uncle with emphysema,
to nearly twice his normal size and give him non-stop psychotic
visions of a hell you can't believe. He may cough out his
larynx just screaming. The only known treatment is a 14-day
series of painful abdominal needle punctures to relieve
the gas -- and that has to happen right where Uncle Ned
falls, namely your house. The smell will force you to a
hotel.
So just remember to keep the ol' bird on the "tamarack
angle," and have a joyous Noel! (Unless of course you
want to poison one of your relatives, then cook a separate
bird out of sight on a level spit and secretly serve only
the selected relative from that bird.)
OUTDOOR DICK
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