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LIONS RIP
OFF FAVRE'S OTHER THUMB, WIN!
Detroit, MI - The Detroit Lions
strategy on Thanksgiving day worked perfectly - bang on Green
Bay quarterback Brett Favre's injured
thumb and completely tear off his other thumb, leaving him in
dire straits to even hold a football, let alone throw it. Result?
Lions 22, Packers 14! Favre's thumb was pulled off late in the
first quarter by reserve linebacker Bennie Tuianamasosopu, whose
sole purpose going into the game was to tear off Favre's thumb.
And though Favre uncorked a 60-yard bomb in the third quarter,
he was largely ineffective. The thumb was recovered by Ford
Field vendor Mickey O'Markey, who returned it to the
Packers after the game packed in ice cream.
PULLED GROINS TOP TURKEY DAY ER LISTS!
Baltimore, MD - Researchers at Johns
Hopkins University confirmed Monday that the most-reported
injury over the Thanksgiving Day weekend was pulled groin muscles
in men trying to run a down-and-out in a touch football game for
the first time in fifteen years. In second place was electric
knife cuts to the hands. Rounding out the top five - tongue burns
from stuffing, electric knife cuts to other parts of the body,
and "packed lung" - a stoppage of breath due to the
stomach crushing the lungs. Tryptophan overdose has fallen out
of the top ten, thanks to the turkey industry's diligence in controlling
Tryptophan with untested growth hormones.
JEWS PROTEST SPORTALICIOUS CHRISTMAS
CARD!
New York, NY - The American Jewish Association
has filed an official motion in appellate court to prevent the
Sportalicious! 'Merry Christmas' Christmas Card from being distributed.
The AJA said in a statement released Monday, "Can't they
say 'Happy Holidays?' What's so difficult about that? Many Jews
have supported Sportalicious! since the beginning and this is
a slap in our face. And that's how it starts - a slap in the face,
then armbands, the next thing you know, they're taking us from
our homes." The AJA is not seeking monetary damages but will
accept a wholesale discount on the snazzy new Sportalicious!
tee shirts.
HAWKEYES MUST PICK WHOLE ANIMAL,
NOT BODY PART!
Insulation Point, KS - The NCAA
announced Monday that it will no longer allow the University
of Iowa to use the nickname "Hawkeyes"
for sports teams, after being barraged by protests from members
of PETA and other animal rights organizations.
Attorneys for the NCAA released a statement that said the school
would have to choose a whole animal as a mascot because singling
out a specific body part was traumatic to animal lovers who could
not get the image of the bloody, gouged-out hawk eye out of their
head and suffered severe, recurring nightmares. Indeed, recently
Iowa changed its mascot from a bloody, gouged-out hawk eye with
dangling nerves to a full-bodied bird, but the action did not
stem the tide of protests. Iowa is said to be contemplating changing
to either "Iowa Hawks" or "Iowa Corn Worms."
STOCK MARKET BRACES FOR 'HEISMAN DIP'!
New York, NY - Financial experts on Wall Street
are bracing this week for the upcoming Heisman Trophy
balloting, traditionally the most accurate indicator of which
way the stock market will be heading into the new year. Quarterbacks
indicate a mild downturn, running backs a decent upturn, and receivers,
total suicidal catastrophe. Said a wealthy source who wished to
remain anonymous but who has the worst hairstyle of any real estate
developer ever, "You'll excuse us if we openly rooting against
Pittsburgh's Larry Fitzgerald." The Street
can influence balloting by threatening voters with a portfolio
shift to high tech stocks. It's illegal, but, like that matters
to them.
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