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WE'RE
ON TV! |
| See Sportalicious! "friend"
Jeff Cesario on ESPN's "Rome is Burning" on Dec.
4. |
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Atlanta, GA - The Center for Disease Control
has confirmed that last weekend's horrendous vomiting epidemic that plagued
the entire nation was not caused by spoiled turkey, as originally thought,
but by three separate ice skating specials that were programmed too close
to football games and dinner time. "The networks are to blame,"
said Dr. Hamjir Mahmoud-O'Brien of the CDC. "Sure, 'Ice Wars Ten'
pleased some viewers but if it caused the rest of the country to puke
up cornbread saffron stuffing and giblets, what's the point?" The
new discovery has the turkey industry breathing a huge sigh of relief.
Said gobbler exec Mel Hartweg, "Some folks are looking for any excuse
to run back to ham, and this could've been it! All praise to the turkey
gods." Even Kyan from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"
said, "'Ice Wars Ten' was too much. Man, that one guy was really
gay. I switched to the Mississippi-Mississippi State football game. And
I'm not normally an SEC guy, plus, it was a blowout, so you figure out
how gay the skating must've been." Health officials say the puke
cleanup operations around the country are moving slowly but surely, aided
by a donation of 1,000 bags of that smelly pink crystal stuff you shook
on puke back in grade school that made some kids vomit worse than the
puke itself. President George W. Bush has declared Alabama
a disaster area -- there were so many sick people that the National Guard
Backhoe Squadron was sent into Birmingham for street cleanup. Some good
news - Interstate 94 outside of Cleveland, Ohio, is set to re-open today.
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