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FALCONER LEAGUE SET FOR DEBUT!
White Goop, CO - Officials of the Continental
Falconer League said they're ready and rarin' to go for "lift-off"
next week! The CFL will debut with four teams - the Greeley Beeks,
the Denver Peckers, the Utah Featherheads and the Helena Hens.
Teams of five falconers will compete in retrieval, trick flying,
and attack competitions. The fledgling league got an economic
boost by signing a television contract with the new satellite
channel, Somethin' Scary Might Happen! TV.
ARTEST BEATS UP TREE!
Sleepaton, IN - Indiana Pacers
slugger Ron Artest was held by Sleepaton police
in connection with a brawl in a park that injured a 70-year-old
sycamore. "He started it," said Artest as he was taken
away by deputies. According to bystanders, a leaf from the sycamore
fell and struck Artest in the temple as he attempted to walk between
promotional appearances for his rap album. Artest turned and pummeled
the trunk of the tree while teammate Jermaine O'Neal
jumped in and beat the hell out of a string of threatening-looking
holly bushes nearby. Sleepaton city parks commissioner Flan Topsy
said fines would be forthcoming for the sycamore, the holly, a
chinese maple that heckled Artest throughout, and Artest.
STEINBRENNER ARMY OVERRUNS JAMAICA!
Spleef, Jamaica - In a continuing, inexorable
march through
the Caribbean, George Steinbrenner, still
reeling from his New York Yankees' embarrassing finish in this
year's baseball playoffs, ordered two amphibious transports loaded
with a private army to invade Jamaica over the weekend and contractually
lock up all future baseball prospects on the island to Yankee
minor league deals. Steinbrenner also engineered bloodless baseball
coups on the Cayman Islands and Trinidad/Tobago and has thus far
signed over 14,000 prospects. Steinbrenner has also instigated
legal action requesting that Boston be given
back to England.
BIG STAR CRIBBAGE FINALE MOVED TO FOX KIDS!
Pugg, NV - Fox TV's smash-hit
reality gaming show, "Big
Star Cribbage," was forced by suddenly weak ratings to
move its televised finale from the main Fox network over to a
special "adults only" hour on Fox Kids
Network. In the finale, Richard Greico beats
David Faustino by outpegging him down the stretch,
followed by fisticuffs. The show's host, former "Tonight
Show" announcer Edd Hall, got caught
in the middle of the melee and was rushed to Boonies Medical Center,
where he was listed in "get 'im to a real hospital"
condition.
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA SIGNS WITH BEARS!
Chicago, IL - Pete Blahatnovitch, an unemployed
small crane operator picking up extra cash as a department store
Santa at Chicago's famous Water Tower Place, was signed to a ten-day
contract by the Chicago Bears! After an elf strike
left Blahatnovitch alone on Santa's throne, he singlehandedly
foisted over 3,000 kids on and off his lap, averaging less than
ten seconds a kid. The 6' 4"Blahatnovitch tossed the kids
effortlessly down an exit chute and will be used to bolster the
Bears' weak quarterbacking corps. "He's tossin' kids with
more accuracy and for more yardage than our qbs are throwin' a
damn ball," said head coach Lovie Smith,
adding, "He's a cheery guy by nature, too."
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